Hello again,

I know that you are right in that. I really do. And I am trying my best, I really am. And I do feel safe. But this core belief tears me apart. Really. And it’s so judgemental. I really like what you say about anxiety predating the relationship. In fact it is showing up again tonight:

I got home today and was happy to see him. He wasn’t feeling well so I expected to find him in bed, but instead he was at the table attempting to do his English homework. So he asked for help and I remember saying to myself ‘be kind, be patient, don’t be frustrated’. Yet, he doesn’t get it, or it takes him longer. And I cope with that because learning a language is hard, and takes time. I also decided to do my homework, and when I ask him for help – he can’t really. He gets confused, he tells me different things, and doesn’t seem to know what the differences of tenses are. Realistically there are things he asks me that I can’t answer for him, but when it comes to the basics…it frightens me that he may not know how to articulate them. So I took a breath, and almost cried, and feel horrible inside. My mind was racing and wants to say ‘I think it’s important that you know these things because’ and I don’t have a because…maybe in case we have a kid so we can help them. Or because it’s not my first language and wish he could help. But, I didn’t say it. Instead I left him to do his homework and am lying down about to meditate. I want to cry because I feel so mean, so judgemental. In my heart I still don’t want to leave him, not at all. But I can’t help think ‘WHAT IF’ there is someone who can fulfil me in that way – but again there will be ways that they cannot fulfil me.

Now my anxiety is in full cycle because I know he is not computer able either – I mean obviously he can turn on and use basic things, but my anxiety is telling me ‘He couldn’t type fast’…like that’s some sort of prerequisite for a healthy relationship.

So now I lie here and feel sad because I don’t want to feel this way. And wonder, is this a deal breaker, my heart says no, but it is still difficult.

I hope I am not crazy for these thoughts. And i hope that I am not allowing fear creep in.