Dear Anita

Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that I’m adding to your distress. Why do you feel exhausted everyday? Is there a particular reason besides what we talked about here? I can read your other threads, but I think I’d like to know what you want me to know here and what you tell me. Is this really so uncommon, accusing of bad intentions? I got so used to that all my life. Anyway it never seemed natural or normal to me, always bothered me. I keep recalling all those situations when I was accused of doing something on purpose. Hundreds or thousands even, every day sometimes.

What do you mean by that “This is why it is important for me to remind myself (just in case I forget) that it is you who knows better”? that you don’t want to advise me or tell me what to do because of some reason?

As I said earlier all this knowledge gave me more calm towards my mother, I have more distance and less emotions. I wouldn’t fight for her approval, I’m not sorry I’m not married and she is wasn’t  proud of me at my wedding day (I was sorry not long ago) I’m not sorry I don’t have a dream job and working in a big company looking like a businesswoman like she always dreamed I would and told me this many times.. I’m not sorry I don’t have a drivers license because there are many people who don’t have it and they are not “retarded” or stupid as I always felt about myself when she talked about this. I must say I feel stronger with all this knowledge, seems like my eyes has opened and I certainly feel like I have been manipulated and tricked all my life into thinking I have thin hair, I speak poorly, I look thin and have thin hands etc. My eyes have opened and I feel like a more confident person and I feel I survived it all, and I got out of this. That’s how I feel more less, and thats what comes to mind. Like I survived it. A bit bruised and annoyed but I’m out. My mind is out of this situation, I’m more like an observer than participant now. I feel like a victim who is becoming a bit aggressive, but also a bit over it.

You’re completely right with this theory of a third parent. Again this is something very new, something I wish I knew earlier. Still this is something I have to deal with in the present. I still need this hope and he still is my hope. I will never let go of the fact my father is dead and that he didn’t save me from this life. I thought I let him go but I never have.

So *he* is still my hope. I can’t let him go. He Has a girlfriend now and I tell myself, I sometimes tell this to myself in my mind that he’s gone, even if he wants to cheat on her (probably will) I know he chose her for a reason and they will probably stay together. A few days ago some friend of his (some other girl, we never met) texted me she wants me remove some picture I posted year ago. There was his dog in it but he is not officially the owner, she is, and she didn’t want me to post it. She is his friend and she’s in love with him, and was always jealous of me, still is, so I assume he probably didn’t tell her yet he has a girlfriend now, that’s why she still thinks we are dating. She texted me mostly about him, I assume she was drunk and jealous, talking about me sleeping with him etc.  I told him she bothered me about this picture, and was unpleasant and he at first told me to let go and remove it. He was nice, just asked me to remove it. I know it’s silly but I felt so..disappointed he didn’t defend me. Like I need so much for him to be my hero. I see how ridiculous this sounds yet I cant help feeling it. Today he texted me he scolded her and was angry about how she bothered me etc, and don’t want to be friends with her, at least not that close like before. I feel sorry for her but I felt better he did this. He never did or does what I expected him to, never was a hero I wanted him to be, he just has those features my father had, he is distant, cold like him so he seems like a safe place so much. But he doesn’t technically have any of the “safe” features a person should have to actually be a safe place. So when he sometimes does, even slightly, I just go more crazy about him.  So this is the present tense, we still talk, he encourages me, he wants to meet but is not sure.. I want to but I’m not sure so I cancelled two times. But I want to see him so I don’t think I’ll cancel if he suggests it again. I’m afraid I’ll never be out of this situation. I don’t know what must happen so that I would finally be over him.