Dear Talia:

You wrote about this man: “He is 10 years older with teenage children which makes me think he’s a loving and caring person. He has been with his wife since they were 20… He supports his whole family… He has a cute house that they have been working on together for years”

You wrote about your father: “My dad was the silent type who was usually very nice except for the maybe one or two times a month he would lash out and yell  or spank us. My mom was more the type to either yelling or making constant negative comments”.

The following is a possibility: in your original home, your father was the good parent and your mother was the bad parent. (A child does think in all-or-nothing terms, good and bad). You figured if only you extricated the good parent from his marriage that is making him miserable, he wouldn’t be unhappy anymore and he would be the good, loving parent that you need, no longer lashing out at you once or a couple of times a month.

And now, you are trying to extricate this man out of his marriage, so that he an be the …loving parent/ man you always needed in your life.

anita