Dear Anita

Sorry If I won’t relate to everything you wrote, but I always read it couple of times. You’re right with everything. Thank you for the effort you put in all this. Thank you.

I always believed my father loved me, despite how he didn’t show it. I remember several things: once when he drove to my grandmas where I was staying, when I was 12. Second when he called me on my phone when I was 16. (But to be honest I now am not sure if he really called me or I just thought about this so many times and hoped he would call that I made this up, believed it and don’t know anymore if it really happened), another thing when I last saw him in 2005, 8 months before he died, he told me “come by sometimes, It’s sad living here alone” these words haunted me for years, because there was this one time my dad wanted me and I missed this chance, because I never went there again. How could I miss it, I had this one big chance when my father once had this fleeting thought that would like me to visit, how my life would be different if I came there again, we would be such a loving family, him and I, for the rest of our lives if I accepted his generous offer (that’s irony. But this is what I believed for last years, maybe not believed because it’s obviously stupid, but rather felt and had guilt about it). You’re right, he didn’t love me.That would be the best and final explanation to everything he ever did or didn’t do. I wanted to convince myself you have to love your own child, yes, it is possible you can’t show it or you were raised this way and you can’t show emotions, but you have to, it is natural to love your child so he has to love me, because of the fact I’m his child, he has to, that’s the “law” of nature, right? You can’t not love your child. Isn’t this true? But you’re right Anita, this made me cry what you wrote but at the same time a bit of relief and I felt that I shifted a little bit more my own blame to him.

Back to T, I know he is not a loving man. When he told me he doesn’t love his girlfriend, Okay it felt like a nice surprise at first but the fact that this relationship means so little to him that he gave me permission to destroy it.. Well I know he won’t break up with her but he cheated  and he will have to live with this, I can’t understand why he thought it was even worth it. I feel guilty about this, I had so many doubts, you know I cancelled this two times and refused when he wanted to meet. Even when he was here, I was scared when his phone rang. It didn’t excite me at all, it scared me, the fact that this girl exists. He never had any doubts, not even once. I opened the door and he kissed me, just like she didn’t exist. If he would say ‘stop’ or ‘slow down’ once, at any moment for the past few weeks, including that meeting, I would stop. Anyway, I don’t enjoy being the one he cheated with on his girlfriend. I know that’s not the beginning of a love story, rather beginning of the end.  I want you to know, I’m not explaining myself. Funny she has everything I ever dreamed of and it turns out she has a man who doesn’t love her and cheats. That’s what I wanted so badly, to have what she has. This fantasy, this ‘make believe’ you told me about.

Today I wanted to block him, on social media and my phone. It’s not like I don’t have strength to do it, I would but I know he would email me sooner or later or whatever way he would find to text me. And he would joke about it, and I would let it go again. I once already ‘broke up’ with him and we started talking again, and I felt this regret that I should have stayed. I now know I shouldn’t have because a month later he found a girlfriend so I guess it’s good I ended this at that time, I avoided the situation when he would have to tell me to take my things and leave. But after I did this, I had those obsessive thoughts, I almost went crazy, they haunted me from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep.. Every day, every night. I couldn’t stand it. Ruminating, analyzing, obsessing. Like a crowd of people pointing out at me 24/7 and blaming me, reminding me of every moment I did wrong, shouting at me. I can do it, but I’m afraid of those thoughts, those panic attacks, those voices, this guilt. Do you understand? I can block him but I’m scared of my reaction.