Anita, thank you for feeling this way and caring. Yes I think he is not a good person doing this to me, not a good person in general. I don’t quite understand why he is doing this.  I’ll try to give myself a break, a month without contacting him or replying to him, because talking to him has bad impact. I marked his messages as ‘ignore’ and I’m telling myself if I can’t end this, I’ll at least try to give myself time. I’ll try to let go of these thoughts a bit and postpone them, allow myself to distance a bit. Obsessing thoughts are my worst problem, I need to try to control them. Do you think that would be possible.  If I promise this here, it will help.

I know my dad wouldn’t care. If he was alive right now he wouldn’t care about my current problems. I have no reason to assume he would. I would be alone after all. I always thought, if only he was alive right now, I could live with him, he would help me. But last time I saw him he was 40 year old man with no job, drinking every day, careless, with grandpa looking for him at his friend’s house, telling him to come home because I arrived. I had to wait because he wasn’t at home. Would that person be enough support for me, and tell me: why don’t I buy you an apartment, or I renovate you your room here to help you? No, he wouldn’t. I’m dreaming he would be excited to help me, but I never saw him being excited about me living there or doing anything for me. Also I never saw him doing anything for me. No evidence or memory about that. I have friends who have fathers buying them first cars, supporting them when doing driving licence, helping with renovations, fixing things. Why I don’t have all this. Its not fair I have to be alone all my life with my parents either bullying me or ignoring me. Anita, I know this is reality. I know I am alone, my father didn’t love me and didn’t care about me, and my mother has mental issues and has been abusing me. But it’s not fair, how can I accept it. This is not how a reality should look like. Why do I have to accept a worse reality than other people, when most of people I know have parents who not only love them and care for them but even when they’re adults they can count on them.

I need to go for  a walk, and ignore the fact that my mother’s boyfriend is being rude to me even at Easter, at my own, let’s say, home. I want to ignore this and not waste even a second thinking about this from now.  I’m thinking of the time when I will leave this hostile place. I’m dreaming of leaving this hostile world and wondering if there is something else for me.

Anita, I am very excited about moving out. Seems like it may be a real plan. I always dreamed about this, but not in this life, not in this world, in my dreams only. I would never really dare to plan this if it wasn’t for you. So thank you for that. Whatever happens I will not change my mind.