Hi Jen,

I read your story and felt compelled to share my own. I also have relationship anxiety, and I know how difficult it is to overcome this. In the past, I never felt that strongly toward most of the men I dated, and I never really worried about what they did. The turning point for me was after my first serious relationship which turned out to be a very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship which lasted two years. Shortly after leaving that relationship, I met my now boyfriend. In the beginning of our relationship, I used a lot of the same behaviors you described. I would pick fights over silly things and get very angry and jealous for no reason. I didn’t like the way I was acting, so I’m sure he didn’t either. After much meditation and introspection, I realized that for me personally, I was reacting so severely because I had dealt with so much disrespect from my ex, that I was afraid of being disrespected again, and I perceived any inconsistency or innocent mistake as an act of blatant disregard for me and my feelings. I no longer behave this way, but I do still have a lot of anxiety around our relationship-even as I type this. We have been dating for two years now, but I am still always very afraid that he will get fed up and leave me. When I underwent my introspection, I made a decision to consciously try to explain the way I was feeling in a coherent, understandable way. For me, this also meant explaining to him the effects of my abuse. He has always been very kind and loving, and he has never made me feel bad for my anxiety, but I am still afraid that someday it will be too much for him and he will leave. I am telling you this because I want you to know that you are not alone, and you are definitely not crazy. It made me feel a bit better to explore where these fears were coming from, and it’s also helping me to be a bit more compassionate with myself and forgive myself for the anxiety itself and my past behaviors. I’ve been reading a lot on overcoming anxiety lately, and I have found something that might help you. Most of the things I have read say that the best way to combat anxiety is not to fight it at all, but rather to try to accept it and sit with the anxious feelings when they arrive instead of trying to force them away or suppress them. It’s an ongoing process, but I am hoping that this will help me to relax and let myself be loved–maybe it will have the same effect for you.

Luna