Dear Cat:

I read a lot of your posts since the beginning of February, the beginning of this thread. This post I am making now will include only quotes from your posts. They are in chronological order of your posting. A couple have dates attached and a few times, in parenthesis, I added what a pronoun you used is referring to. In my following post, I will give you my most current understanding.

I think that the following quotes, if you print them and take them to the medical appointment you mentioned, regarding being evaluated and maybe diagnosed, may help the doctor evaluating you.

“I’m at the lowest point in life…I’m spending my days struggling to see my own worth, depressed and not eating or washing properly. I want to cry but feel like I can’t… I had a lot of suicidal episodes and was using drugs as an escape. My behaviour was erratic. I also went through a lot of love interests/ boyfriends as an escape too, which is something I still do…I went to Chicago depressed and heartbroken… He (Jim) was a very healthy, spiritual individual – and someone I knew I was meant to meet…I met a guy in the crowd – I’ll call him Clarence…I stayed with him in Chicago for 3/4 days, which happened to be the most intense but most spiritual time of my life. This guy seemed to be a mirror of my soul…I felt that we owned the universe, and I felt that he was my soul mate…I had a breakdown that night and my mind couldn’t stop thinking in rhymes…The next night I felt suicidal and reached out/ lashed out at Clarence… I bombarded him with messages, and he blocked me…

at the moment I am just staying in bed all day trying to find motivation to carry out my goals… I think at the moment I am scared…I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace…it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their (parents’) pains and misery… It’s the worst feeling in the world…

I agree and relate so much: looking for ANYTHING to escape the awful reality of the misery I was born in to… I must’ve been about 6. I remember I have never cried so much in my life. My face was really puffy and blotchy and my Mother had broken my heart. I sat there, and cried for hours an hours. Waiting for her to come and make things okay…. But she never did.

It was at that moment that I prayed to something – I didn’t know what it was – I wasn’t praying to an idea of God in the sky, or praying to a deity at all – I was just sending a help message out in to the cosmos it seemed. Hoping that my thoughts would be projected somewhere, and something or someone would hear them. It was then, I remember seeing a light through the gaps in my hands, and I remember looking up to the window with the light shining through…

I hardly remember anything from my childhood either… I too was very detached, a very floaty individual who was just drifting through life allowing myself to get bullied from all angles – school, home life etc…

Up until recently I suffered from severe, severe depression and anxiety. To the point where I was in bed all the time, feeling too unworthy to even go down in to my kitchen (for real). I’m only really coming out of that now…

Last night I realised that I have difficulties sleeping as well because I have a really bad pain in my mind. I used to think it was just overthinking, but there is a physical pain. Not sure if you’ve ever experienced anything similar? It keeps me up all night – I’m not sure whether it’s the depression or something else. I grew up with a “lazy eye” – although since my self-progress I’ve actually been using it more and more so I think it is linked to that too…

in my head I still perceive a lack of will to live almost, and therefore does make it difficult to get out of bed…I either see it (life) with no worth and potential, or I see with so much worth and potential and respect…

I can have a normal day and be optimistic about my future, then come home and depression/ sad thoughts/ lack of motivation can wash over me like a wave…

If my sister didn’t suffer, yes my suffering would end. I would feel at peace knowing that she was living a happy life….If she is not the reason I suffer, what is the reason why I suffer? I have guilt from the past, from the person I couldn’t be for my parents…I remember the feeling growing up, of not being good enough for them, not being worthy of love like other children were…When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment. Because in my head, she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore…

I used to get called Selfish all the time, just for doing fun things that made me happy Even when I tried to help my mum would be like “no it’s fine, I’ll do it”. So I could never win…

I still see myself as being the bad one, or the reason why everything is messed up in my family. My heart does hurt a lot, just from all of it… Sometimes I can’t even cry. Sometimes I just feel this heavy feeling in my heart that stays with me for a few days…They definitely instilled that idea that I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too, that I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things that I loved…I feel like if I try and get close to people or be nice then they’ll think that I’m trying to hurt them or something

Feb 28 I’ve been feeling manic since Thursday…Literally, I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been so positive…when I’m manic/ fixated on something… I tend to just get fixated on what it is that is making me manic, and staying in my pjamas being obsessed…I’ve been super confident this week, again, as I said it felt like I was on ecstasy with how much confidence and positivity I was feeling…I’ve been really quite high. And haven’t been able to sleep properly as too excited – like a child at christmas…

March 20: I have recently encountered a new friendship that is so honest, and so pure, and so respectful. That every conversation we have is mindful and respectful and understanding. In a way, it is one of the most emotionally open, honest and close relationships I’ve had…In the past month I have developed a relationship with a guy – we shall call him Noel. We talk openly about emotions…Sometimes I feel as though I have never met anyone with a more beautiful soul…

April 9:  most of the time I am spending my time messaging my friends, and giving them support, about their own emotional problems via facebook. I have spent the past 2 days – literally. Sending a lot of messages, having a lot of phone calls in order to try and sort out a situation between my two friends..

* April 20, breakdown