Hi Anita,

I am home today and decided to spend the day alone.  I realized going out with people trying to have fun is less fun than spending time alone with my cats…They seem to comfort me more that most people.  I love watching the birds and at night I have several raccoons & a beautiful red fox that visits once in a while.

Several of my friends I have spoken to in the past few days have given their comments about my past relationship & said they feel I am better off  because they feel he did not treat me well.  Even my neighbor which is 75 said she thought I would be better off as soon as I could get over the pain.  I am trying to continually tell myself I am better off & it last for a while.  Then a cloud of thoughts come rushing in my head about how happy he must be and did he really think our last few years were so terrible that is why he left.

I was going through papers and cleaning out some things & found severl cards he had recently given me & places we had gone and things we had done which we had a lot of fun.  It was all in the past year.  So, I let it start upset me again as to why he would have said he had been misraeble for the past 3 years.

I am beginning to think he was trying to convenience himself he should leave.  I also know in my heart he probably found it exciting when he started the affair with the new girl and could not have respected me enough to be that weak.  All the lies I have found out about are also painful.

I spoke with a male friend of mine, we worked together 30 yrs. ago & he was telling me he always recalled me being such a strong independent lady & I deserved better than the way my ex had treated me during the relationship.  It made me think back & I am a different person now then I was before I met my ex.  I should be thankful he moved on because I really don’t care to feel helpless like I did once I got into the relationship with my ex.  I want the old me back!

Please tell me why if I know in my Heart I am better off, why do I feel so much pain & so afraid. And so angry that he may be so happy…

One more thought, it keeps going over in my head that any reasonable adult after seeing one another every day for 8 years & having a decent relationship…How could he not call after a month & at least be curious if I was doing well.  One other thing that haunts me ~is the last time we spoke he said “I have to tell you something funny, I had a dream last nigh night that I built a house and put a bedroom on each end, one for you & one for my new girlfriend…Then he said I can tell you about the dream but not her because she would get upset”  That has bothered me every since, but I made NO reply to him when he said it.  Personally I thought it was a bit immature~

Bella~