Dear Derek:

“maybe I associate anxiety ..with my relationship”- yes, you do, no doubt in my mind.

“the fear causes me to stick to things like intelligence, attraction, future”- yes. Fear does stick to things. (It is very much a sticky thing, fear that is)

“maybe on the surface the relationship helps me see that on a deeper level there is much more to be resolved”- an intimate adult relationship is a person’s opportunity to resolve a childhood relationship.

The dreams you had indicate your emotional attachment to your partner and the fear of losing him.

Regarding the family photo, thinking of yourself as “ugly, fat, just ‘not right'”, later to think about your partner “he didn’t dress up well enough, was too skinny etc.”- this is your core belief, that you are ugly, fat and not right. The logic behind your core belief goes something like this: I am ‘not right’ and so my choices aren’t right, including my choice of a partner.

When you thought: “Wow this is the kind of partner I thought I could only dream of: kind, caring, loving, family oriented”- I think this is likely a true to reality thought. This evaluation of him is independent of your core belief that you make the wrong choices, one of which is choosing the wrong partner. You are seeing who he is, not images from your past, those “fear based eyes”.

I agree that this may very well be “a safe space for (you) to finally be able to… feel safe, love and trusted… a healthy relationship and this is how it can be”.

anita