Dear Anita,
its funny that you just replied as I was left with a second thought (as I often am these days because I have been extra introspective).
The idea of distraction is interesting. Of course it is not possible to literally sit all day and try to “process” your thoughts, abuse, etc. These things take time and have to happen on their own. But of course we can create situations in which we can make space for such.
I definitely think that there are some healthy distractions in my toolbox, but I think that it is almost learning how to live appropriately again. I recall in my 20s I hardly wanted to spend one second Alone. I was running running running. It all makes sense why I always felt like I had to run. Now I know that I don’t have to run always but yet there are certain things I do enjoy doing.
They say that when you uncover all the abuse it can make you sick to your stomach sometimes, I did experience some of this. I also experienced the head spinning affective really processing a lot. Of course I don’t want to bombard myself and I do need to give myself a mental break. This is not like studying for medical school when have to wake up and do it in a regimented way. Of course it doesn’t work that way!
But I will say something. I have always felt like I would get a fleeting thought about something but I could never change. For example I would not think before speaking and hurt someone. And that person would explain to me that I often do this, and that I really should work on it. (Objective truth I see now). This happens a lot with my husband. I see now that I never learned from any of these behaviors, compulsions, habitual negative actions, tics almost. because I never processed. I do wonder the best way to process it, I understand practice but I do wonder how I can make things stick long-term
I never sat and processed I just parted out anything that came to mind. It is not unlike my mother. I know that I have many qualities of my mother I know that this does not make me a bad person it just makes me her daughter someone that was raised by her and train by her. This is something I do want to work on not only because it can affect other people, it is not a good way to live it is an uneasy and unsettling way to live to not have the calm and peace to look with An first. To think and process before speaking. Often if you think I’m process, then there really is not much to say. I know I may be speaking a lot of nervous energy, this is not unlike my texting or constant habits of doing, perhaps it is all just running. Doing doing doing, running running running. Can’t stay still, or the fear will take over. Right? I wouldn’t know as I can’t recall being still
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