Dear Anita,

You’re right about HCM – any strenuous or competitive physical activity is dangerous, and while I can’t resign myself to just golf (like my cardiologists joke), I have had to give up things like martial arts and soccer that I used to love. And indeed, stress is not good for the heart, especially the broken ones (literally and figuratively) 🙂

I thought about your point about not taking all the blame in the relationship and not accepting the “silent treatment”. You’re right that a relationship on the whole is a shared responsibility, and that not recognizing that (i.e. thinking that the relationship can work again if only make efforts to learn from my mistakes) in a sense goes against rebuilding my self-worth which has been affected by the recent life events.

That being said, in spite of my frustration with her silence I felt like I owed it to her to allow her space to think things through and get some clarity, if that’s what she was trying to tell me but is not able to communicate; I know this situation has affected her deeply too (I notice she lost much weight) and that in the end we are all trying our best, if we assume people are not looking to hurt other intentionally (and I don’t believe she is).  I do want to be with someone who is consistent, and honest/straightforward; and so I thought I should continue to act as such myself, like I have been doing in the past 4 weeks, and not deviate from that – playing mindgames with “no contact” and waiting strategies is not who I want to be, and that I should show her that.

So I decided to follow your advice and send her a response now, taking responsibility again for my share of the issues, and letting her know i hope that when and if she will be able to communicate her thoughts she will feel comfortable coming to me, however conflicted she may be about our relationship; that I was available always if she wanted to talk and that I wished for her to be well either way.  Crafting what I felt was a stable/resolute yet compassionate message was the way to be true to myself. I reminded myself I may not get a response for a few days or at all, and if that’s the case it will be ok – I cannot control what she does, but I can control what I do, and at least I will have no regrets because I will not have let my ego stand in the way of doing what I felt was right, I will have done what takes more courage for me even if she didn’t.  That feeling in turn will help me focus on my own wellbeing in the meantime – something that will be good for me regardless of the outcome.

I thought about the notion of “shared responsibility”, and realized it also means that the relationship doesn’t “belong” to either person. So if she doesn’t want to engage anymore, I should not feel regret about being left “holding” something broken by myself, because that would mean there is nothing left to “hold” anymore.

I will keep you updated on her response, if and when it comes (and even if it doesn’t…). I would love to hear your thoughts on the above in the meantime. Thank you again for taking the time to listen and share your perspective.

ME