I’ve had very very similar long distance relationship which ended up with she is leaving me after my insecurities and seeking reassurances started to become frustrating for her.

It’s very good you are aware of what’s going on which i also was. I knew just like you that if i keep doing this it was going to be a self sabotage but emotions doesn’t listen logic, and if you don’t know how to handle them things not gonna go so well.

You can probably relate to this. When you are feeling so great with him, having very intimate conversations suddenly that anxiety, fear called “happiness anxiety” kicks in. You start to think :

“I don’t deserve this”, or “it will never last”, or “I’m riding for a fall”,  or “what will i do when or if this relationship ends “etc.

And then you tell it to your partner to comfort you until the day that he will be sick of it… Also his comforting you will never feel enough in long term. When he is comforting you you will feel great but one day later same feelings gonna arise once again.

The main cause of both of ours problem is self esteem. It’s very wide and underestimated concept that i’ve only realized after i read and listened ” the 6 pillars of self esteem” again and again. Took very long notes from it, listened to audio book for weeks, finished reading it couple times. I’d never pay this much of attention it if such traumatic breakup wouldn’t force me to do so. It’s not comforting to practice it and it takes so much energy. It’s easier to go with the urge of seeking comfort from your partner.

What i can recommend is read that book and do the practices that it talks about.

Actually there is much more depth to it and i’d love to share my learnt experiences from such traumatic event to prevent happening to you as well. I see you are also very attached which will hurt you so much if anything bad happens ( funny enough it hurts even without anything happens ) and it will start to repel your partner away. Don’t start to panic, you’ll be fine as long as you are aware of your patterns and spend the energy to reverse them and meanwhile when you are fixing your self esteem you need to do releases of emotions that hurt you so much in past without suppressing, expressing to someone or distracting yourself. They are still running under your subconscious and you have to empty the reservoir of the insecurity emotions, let go of all of them. ( Also read this book it might save your relationship : David R. Hawkins-Letting Go The Pathway of Surrender )

Contact with me if you’d like some support and guide that i’ve never had  at the time.