Dear Connie:

I have a problem understanding your post because you use the pronoun “them” for she and for they, so at times I don’t know if they means your girlfriend or your girlfriend and her friend. I also don’t understand which email you are referring to in the fifth paragraph.

What I do understand is that two years ago your now girlfriend (then friend) had a relationship with someone else but pursued you anyway. She lied to you, either telling you she was available or not revealing to you that she was unavailable. A couple of years later, the two of you are now involved and you are afraid that she has feelings and maybe cheating on you with her friend.

My comment is: even if your girlfriend had feelings for someone else, or you had feelings for someone else, that in itself is not a bad thing. We don’t choose how we feel, it just happens. What is a subject to your choosing is what we do. Therefore “I asked if anything had happened” is much more important than “(I asked) if they had feelings”.

(If person A has feelings of attraction for person B while being in a committed relationship with person C, then it is unwise and wrong for person A to spend unnecessary time with person B, outside what is necessary as co workers, for example, in the office).

You have an issue of trust and communication. Can you have honest, straightforward conversations with your girlfriend, non accusatory, not argumentative, but peaceful conversations so to get to know her and her values, what motivates her, see if there is a match between the two of you?

anita