Dear anita:

The position was actually really similar to what I currently do at my internship, and I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to do this type of work. I don’t particularly enjoy engaging with this type of clientele, and at the time of applying to the job, I was (and still am) completely burnt out by the dysfunctional and toxic environment at my internship. I was terrified by the idea that I would be stuck in that line of work forever – even the idea of doing the duties for that position for just one year made me very anxious. I was so focused on the negatives of the job that I had completely overlooked the positives – a larger more stable company, with proper systems in place, and a much larger group of colleagues that I can learn from. Even if the position wasn’t ideal, I would have benefited from being in the company overall.

At the time I was going through the interviews for this job, I had multiple breakdowns. My anxiety had completely taken over me. I forced myself to keep going, until it was time for the final interview. I knew the company was on a tight hiring deadline, but I still rescheduled the final interview to a later date to give myself more space and time to calm down. But I just couldn’t do it. The night before the final interview, I emailed the hiring manager and cancelled the interview. The hiring manager was understandably upset – I had asked them to push back the interview, and then I cancelled at the very last minute.

I knew objectively this wasn’t a good idea (I needed a job to start my career! especially with such a prominent company!), but at the time, I felt that if I was already having so many panic attacks during the interview stage, what would happen if I took the actual job?

I should also mention that at the very same time, I was also going through interviews for a different position at the same company. This position was exactly what I had wanted, and although I knew it wasn’t guaranteed that I would get this offer, I wanted to put my heart and soul into this job interview, rather than the one that was giving me panic attacks. Unfortunately, because I had pulled out of the aforementioned job interview so rudely, the company did not feel comfortable giving me this other job opportunity either.