Dear Anita,

It’s Sunday, 3.15pm here in Bristol. I am sat in bed, still under my duvet. My first day off of work and I am having a duvet day. I have 2 more days off of work after today. I am practicing giving myself this time to rest. The sky is white, and it has been drearily raining here.

In general, I am growing. I had a good chat with my therapist on Friday and we spoke about worth. The lesson I took away was: “Even if you are imperfect, you are still worthy”. And that is something that has made me view my life and my current place where I’m at so much more bearable, and more equal with other people. Even if life isn’t perfect, it is still worthy.

I was also reading ‘Take me to truth: undoing the ego’ on the bus home last night, and reading about making decisions from a place of unified self, rather than egotistical desires. It made me realise I can release all the worry and doubt, and things that make me feel this way, and direct my energies instead on to the things that I do have and the things that give back to me as well.

In regards to Toby, I feel like this situation is taking away from my life. I’ve been caught between, thinking that he is bad for me, or thinking that maybe I’m not giving him a chance. But the situation has been too confusing, too up and down etc. And something that isn’t enhancing my life, but more making me worry about why he isn’t being consistent.

He said this the other day:
‘I have to state that you are like a human realisation of a whirlwind, from my mind that’s a positive before you latch on there and lastly you do by now realise I’m an arsehole right? And you know I don’t mean that in a ‘woe is me’ way just I feel lik we’ve had enough exposure to hit the vein, I think I’ve said before that I don’t play games and I’m a dreadful lier but I do jump between versions of me that tune into the more interesting and psychologically driven versions of the world around us and the more detached and straight-forward, if that makes me a royal shit-head then you’re probably right but if not then [sexual suggestion]’.

I know that I’m such an understanding and open person, but I’ve tried to understand and be honest with him etc. But I think he IS a liar, and he DOES play games. That’s the feeling that I get, and I just feel that this situation is an obstacle preventing me from accepting things that are life-enhancing for me, and no offence to him, but to attract better people.

He does play games, by replying loads about philosophy, and then not messaging at all. I think he just likes the attention to be honest, and I think he IS manipulative in this and out for his own gain.

Cat