Dear Anita,

I wish that everyone was as patient, respectful and considerate as you are. I can find it really hard times with situations – take this Toby one for example. Where I approach people with genuinity, understanding and kindness and do come across liars, bullies, game players and people who aren’t really that nice. I’ve seen so many pretend to be nice or good people – it’s actually quite dark the more I think about it, and a really big problem, especially amongst younger people I feel. Why don’t people WANT to be nice? Or WANT to progress themselves? Or WANT to be decent people??!

In an earlier message you wrote:

‘From my understanding of you, Cat, you don’t get to know the men in your life, you don’t take the time. Instead, you assume they are wonderful, put them up on that pedestal and look up to them as your superiors. Then you proceed to tell them everything about yourself, sort of  sinner confessing to god. As if the man on the pedestal has this superior brain-computer that is able and willing to process the information you give him and figure out what to do so to make your life better’.

And you are right. I have done this many times with guys, and I am still thinking as to why I do do this. I project an image on to them that I see – decent, caring, reliable, understanding, boyish etc. All these qualities I see in them. Maybe this is what I seek in an ideal boyfriend. Maybe these are qualities that I have in myself, I am not sure. I think I’d like to think that if I am myself, and honest with someone, then the right person will see me and accept me for who I am…. And anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth it. I guess that’s the philosophy I’ve been going with, in terms of being open with guys. I am a big personality, and I don’t hide that from people – sometimes I question myself on doing this, and sometimes I fail to see myself or how I come across. I’m not sure.

I know, I know. The worst thing about Toby is that he’s intelligent, and chooses to be an asshole. Chooses. He chooses to play with people’s emotions. I’ve sent him this one last message:

‘I’m going to be honest, and just say it’s best for me if we don’t talk anymore. I’ve only ever been 100% and honest and real about everything and also upfront and straight up about what I wanted from this. As much as you kept sating you’re not a manipulator or a liar, I think it’s really quite obvious that you are And also only out for your own personal interest or gain. You seem to be able to lie and switch emotions on and off, which is quite sociopathic. And I think you take pleasure in the idea of pursuing someone, or making someone interested in you, to boost your own ego temporarily, and I feel that there’s also a sadism in the way that you flatter people to make them feel like you’re a nice person, and then remove all respect for them and ignore them. I feel like you enjoy, take pleasure from and revel in doing this with people. It’s really quite sad. You’re an intelligent person, but yet you’re so addicted to your own suffering, or maybe really are just a sadistic sociopath, that you don’t use your own intelligence and experience to heal. You just keep creating more hurt and more pain by presenting the world with falsities all the time.

I did try and understand you and talk to you on a level, but you proved again and again that you weren’t the person you initially said you were. Which begs the question: do you even know yourself? I’ve been torn as to whether you’re this emotional, sensitive guy who’s been hurt and uses the asshole card as an excuse to not get close to people, or if you are just a sociopath. Even the term ‘Fuck boy’ is a surface level label for a sociopath centered on women – stemming from years of sexism, gaslighting, misogyny and male privilege. Either way, your attitude and behaviour isn’t anything special. I’ve seen it before and I’m sure I’ll see it again. It isn’t unique or individual, it isn’t intelligent, it isn’t attractive and it isn’t beneficial in any way, shape and form to our culture. It’s actually just cowardice and in turn actually turns your own persona in to a product of the society you claim to analyse and talk about a lot. I don’t think you have a right to point fingers at a culture or society when your behaviour adds to and creates some of its problems as well.

I think you crossed paths with me because I’m intelligent and can see past all the bullshit. It’s just another disappointment for me, being a caring person, as I genuinely did give a shit about you and did feel a natural passion there, but now I think it’s all just been part of this false fabrication you’ve been showing me. I don’t do well with being fucked with which is why I’m telling you the harsh truths. I don’t know what you gain from this apart from rubbing your hands in sadistic greed and pleasure at the thought that you hurt me, but you haven’t – you’ve just made me realise all the qualities, feelings and treatment that I don’t need or want in my life, and made me realise the real lack of progression that is currently happening.

If you’re left with a sense of pleasure, pride or ego boost from the time, energy or attention I’ve given to you then you’re mistaken. Because I get to walk away with a renewed insight in to my own life, standards and position in society, whereas you’re left with my harsh truths. What’s sad is that the person you presented yourself to be initially, and the person in my head – that I saw a lot of mutual qualities in, like honesty, genuinity, individualism, passion, depth – I get to walk away with all of that still, and continue to live on that vibration. But you don’t get left with that, you just get left with your empty shell of lies’.

Let me know thoughts,

Cat