Dear Flove:

Let’s look at what happened: you had a relationship that ended, started dating A, nothing serious, went back to the previous relationship. No wrongdoing yet, on your part. Next, after A invaded your privacy by reading your messages, you matched his wrongdoing by invading his privacy, reading his messages.

You read flirtatious messages that he sent to a girl he used to date. Again, you matched his wrongdoing by flirting in person with the ex boyfriend and sent flirtatious messages to him.

Assuming A didn’t have sex with another woman while in the relationship with you, you outdid him with the following wrongdoing: “I went to a party and me and my ex ended up kissing and having sex”.

Next, A “told all his friends about what had happened”, bringing about gossip and a bad reputation for you. You expect him to continue this wrongdoing on his part, to be “telling everything about me to anyone that wants to hear. This is very frightening… There’s always someone who knows someone”. You didn’t match this wrongdoing on his part. He does not suffer from gossip or a bad reputation.

You asked: “how do I live with this? How will anyone ever trust me again? What do I need to do to become good again?”

My answers: notice the context of your idea of being trustworthy and good- you trust A as authority over trust and being good and you trust those who now gossip about you to be authorities over trust and being good. But your boyfriend does not deserve a superior status in these regards. His behavior was not good nor was it trustworthy. And the people who gossip, you don’t know how they behave, what they choose to do in their personal lives. Are they good and trustworthy? Not those who support A in reading your messages and not those who spread the gossip against you.

Who is the authority over being good and trustworthy then?

It is about you becoming that authority. And then, it is about you rejecting wrongdoings, not only in your behavior, but in others’ behavior. If you are in a relationship with a man like A who does wrong, it will only increase the chances that you will do wrong as well. So choose better. It is not doable to be a good person while being in a close relationship with someone who does bad.

Next, pay attention that you, the authority, approve of your own behavior. Over time you will build your trust in your own self.

Regarding the gossip, remember the thought: who is doing the g0ssiping? Do you respect them for being authority over good and bad?

anita