Shelby,

I know what you mean. It’s so frustrating that two people can go from everything to complete strangers within a moment! But ask yourself this question, taking into consideration every aspect of the relationship including this period of heartbreak, what would you actually do if he came back and said let’s give things another try?

Would you feel comfortable with saying yes to that? Or would you continuously walk around on egg shells in a state of confusion and anxiety like I am right now?

Planning distractions is exhausting but a part of my daily routine now hehe! I’m slowly running out of ideas as I exhaust the gym (most days I can’t even be bothered to go) and my Netflix series are coming to an end! May just indulge in some winter deep cleans or something!

You may be right in suggesting that the relationship should be off the table as I figure things out. It seems I have gotten myself in a bit of a pickle. Although things with my ex right now seem to be good (on the outside) and he is actually ‘trying’ it just doesn’t seem to be enough. After everything that’s gone on I literally cannot trust his words, actions or intentions towards me. It’s almost as though I’m waiting for him to walk out once more. Oh and then there’s the whole journey to healing from trauma!

I honestly don’t know where to start. All I know is that I need to keep going forward. There is a big feeling in my tummy which tells me I NEED to get away from him because he is hindering my healing progress in regards to the trauma. But then rationally I know that in order for me to move past that he will need to be a part of this healing at some point, whether it be now or further down the line. He has also been quite good at taking all my shit in the process, surprisingly. I can’t aftually fault him right now he is trying his best to understand and support me but I guess there’s just that constant feeling of it just isn’t enough. The damage is done now.