Heya Anita,

Thanks for this. It was hard reading but I think, the truth. My sister has a massive issue with anger, so does my paternal uncle. So did (reportedly) my paternal grandfather.  Its like some inter-generational sickness. It is one of the reasons why I don’t want kids.

Plan of action is roughly/ things I am sure about:

-Approach with inquiring mind. Seeking understanding here. That is the goal. State this, make it obvious.

-Give him the lavender balm! Explain why it meant so much that he took care of me when I was assaulted. (But not sure when: before we talk…. to ease us both… or after….?)

-Ask him what he meant by “Your friendship isn’t very friendly.” comment.

-Thank him and explain I finally feel ready to deal with some issues that have troubled me for a long time.

-Admit to having an issue with anger and own it – seeking help to address it. Explain that my last relationship compounded this issue and made it worse, I projected a lot of past hurts onto our interactions. He is owed an apology for this.

-Explain I am willing to discuss the details in which I felt these anger issues came up and effected him. Instances in which I was being a dick, basically. For which he is owed an apology. (Those instances are: dismissing him as being only ever good for a casual relationship from the outset, that time I yelled at him in a cafe, angrily demanding his validation, pressing eject on the relationship because I was scared he was going to dump me instead of talking it over with him, getting sucked into arguments over text message.)

-However: “That was my role and I am only one half of this.”

-Explain I’ve realised that nobody is issue free: my issue was I didn’t talk about my issues and this is what kept my alone. I need a partner who understands that my anger is a product of hurt and fear, is able to support me as I deal with the issue, as it will be ongoing. (Which includes being unafraid to call me out on it, when I’m being difficult.)

-Ask what is going on with him and this other woman. (I want to know. I expect this will trigger all sorts of rejection feelings -and then…anger… so leaving this until the end.)

-Keep calm, confident, eye contact. I can fake this for long enough to see a conversation through.

-Taking your advice on dealing with feeling overwhelmed. Its ok to admit to feeling overwhelmed and defer responding until I’ve had time to consider.

Things I’m unsure about:

-Telling him I miss him and felt that we had a lot to offer each other.

-Telling him I literally lost my voice after we argued. (He’s a singing teacher and taught me to sing.)

-Telling him I’m gutted we argued and I keep seeing/learning/doing cool things that I know he would like too.

-Asking why he broke up with me.

Things I’m NOT going to do:

-Argue

-Walk away without saying anything. (I’ve done this before when overwhelmed…)

-Take all the blame for what went wrong

-Ask to get back together. I do kinna want this but not sure its a good idea.

-Talk about the details of the reasons why I have the issues I do, a brief summary is ok. Worried talking details will just trigger my issues: either by making me act out anxiously or running away.  Would explain that I’m happy to discuss these at a later date, and not discussing now as I don’t want to overwhelm myself.

-Criticize him!

…Cripes.

There is a lot of stuff in my head!

-Feather xx

PS- your gift. What if I list it on etsy or ebay for a nominal fee such as £1 and send you a link? I think that will keep your privacy protected. In addition, you could arrange for it to be sent to a shop or a library or someplace similar if you wish. Just an idea.

I’m a textile artist and work with shibori methods of dyeing cloth – which is why all my works are one-offs.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Feathering my nest.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Feathering my nest.