I’ll ask her about the phone calls when we talk next week hopefully. Doubt she talks on the phone much, will probably ask her if she likes to talk on the phone and how often she does it and if she is looking to talk on it more (if nobody calls her). I’m jealous of a guy I talk to at work who’s roomates with my old roomate, he sees her way more often then I do. He’s had 3 appointments at her work and sees her sometimes at the pool, while I get to hang out with her 2 times a year…now THAT makes me feel like shit, but they don’t text or talk on the phone. But I want her to call, she has 1 time in the past, other times it was me or her texting me to call her because she was needing someone to talk to. What I have noticed I always go back to is that summer we had, nothing else just that 1 summer. I miss us texting back and fourth a few times a week, got me through my morning, then the times we talked, when we hung out. I keep replaying it over and over and over again, I still read the texts on my old phone. But that was 2 years ago this summer and I guess we were close because what she was going through and needed a friend for a while, but now doesn’t.

I got an idea for a mug…how about one themed around her work? She’s now a massage therapist, so a mug with a picture of a woman giving someone  a massage and I can put “busy at work” on it or something and it can be her work mug.

But I really hope we hang out more then 2 times a year, especially after what she told me about having more time for people that mean a lot to her and how she was looking for a small group of close friends instead of just acquantances…why can’t I be part of that? after all we have been through together. I figure i’ll give it until summer time, if nothing has changed then i’ll stop phoning and messaging her and maybe reconnect some other time in our lives. I feel so bad every day just thinking about this and want it to go away, like I am not good enough and I WANT to be good enough and I can’t be honest with her about this because anytime I am honest about things in my life all that ever happens is I get yelled at and get treated like I am always in the wrong and I feel like garbage knowing I am always a f*ckup. This is probably also not something I should be sharing with her anyway.

I also think I think this way because I want a reason to finally end whatever it is we are, which I have no idea what this is so I try making her look like she hates me or does not like me so I can justify my thoughts and go “I was right all along”. I am such a toxic person just by reading this thread and what I think about in my head, I guess because of growing up and going through what I have and can’t move forward.