I had an interesting reflection yesterday. I was writing a long message, full of ruminations, but actually, I realised soemthing important.

Beforehand, the relationship was so heavily based on a lonely, unsatisfied individual craving the attention and validation of someone else. That was what had tied me to him, a lot. I think now I’m doubtful because I’ve realised that i dont know what our relationship is now. Im ok with it as it is. I think I always wanted a good story, because in reality I am a strong independent person, I never wanted someone who is dependent on me, and vice versa. Now, Ive become that to the one person I wanted to be strong and independent with, maybe im disgusted at my own behaviour. The people I carry with me, they judge me, but I dont really care, it was my decision. At the same time, the shame wears me down so much, I dont love myself enough, so I cling too strongly to him.

I read old texts, that I had sent ot my friend, from about 3 years ago. The one who I blamed for giving me too many expectations, and actually, she was giving sound advice at the time. He should fight for the relationship, not be indifferent and pretend its all alright. (I would always send accusatory messages) And what was I talking about to her ? About almost the exact same feelings towards him as I have now. Anger, frustration, how dare he never talk, how dare he be so indifferent. And again, a knowledge that deep down i~’m not like that. A knowledge I can scream and cry and not change him. I spilled the frustration onto him. I didn’t chose to grow, to grow alone without him, or to grow and be there for him if he wanted to open up.

Yesterday too, I also saw that he withdraws, but I saw, anew, the man who opened up to me in Chile, and I saw someone terrified of commitment. I saw perhaps he actually acts like I do. I could message him and tell him how much I dont care about the relationship and how i’ll get the next flight out, f*** you! I started to analyse my behaviour and stop tirelessly examining his. I always wanted to be the person who understands. If I love him but htere are difficulties, they can be solved with empathy and understanding. Im just shouting and screaming. I saw too, he is confused because he still feels compelled to look after his mother and brother, even though they both have their own lives, their own businesses. Thats why he feels so drawn to go back home. I was doing the same, I realised, when he said to go live in Brazil with him… I stayed at home, “to look after” my parents.

Idk if, aside from myself, I should really see him as someone to work on or not. Maybe the relationship is doomed, or maybe this is the foundation of a strong bond. I know I give myself too much angst, but I think I have to admit, he has issues too. I realise ive told myself too much the relationship failed because of my failings, not his. This is harder as he evades. But even he seems to admit he is then drawn back to me. The issue is I write and I see all the other people who talk and talk but their relationship is perhaps over. Am I refusing to accept? Or am I more insightful and the relationship has a possibility?