Dear anita,

I read through the previous threads and took some notes. It has become clearer to me that the heart of the problem is my self hate and inner critic (I knew before, but I needed a reminder). Often I get distracted with everyday problems and mistakes I make. But at these particular moments, I feel extreme feelings of self hate and can’t think clearly. Then I lose track of the bigger picture…

Over the weekend I was so distressed, especially on Saturday. I felt crazy and like I had made a huge mistake. Then K. wrote to me on Saturday afternoon. He said we can meet another time, when I’m feeling better and am less worried. He also asked since when I was sick and said that I had told him that I was fine. And he also said he is “on his way now”.

I had mentioned the eye infection before to him, but said that good healing options are available (that’s what the doctor said too). I didn’t want to worry him, but when he wanted to meet me, I felt it was my obligation to inform him more… So when I responded to him I only explained that and that I often worry too much, especially when I fear to hurt another…

But I don’t know if he still wanted to see me and if “on his way” meant that he wanted to still see me, or that he was on his way home. But I didn’t ask further, I just didn’t have any energy left that day. At that point (he wrote about 4 pm), I had already assumed that he didn’t want to see me. He also didn’t ask more, only after a while he wrote that it’s all good, that I shouldn’t worry and it will be o.K. I just thanked him and said that I hope so too and asked if he is on the train now…

I would like to explain myself further to him, but I don’t know… I don’t want to make myself look even weirder. And maybe I’m revealing too much about myself… I think his message was very considerate, I think I should thank him for that. I would like to explain to him that I sometimes have fears and self doubt, but that I’m working to overcome this. And I want to ask him how he is doing… I’m sad we didn’t see each other! I make my own life difficult!

But o.K. back to the actual problem, my extreme self-hate… The most important thing for me now should be to overcome this. I think I should really journal every day and note down my thoughts, like you suggested. Write down situations in which these beliefs come up and examine them and question them. And I guess it will take time.

And I think in my further communication with him, I should think more, pause more, before I respond. He also often doesn’t respond immediately. Better think about what I want and how to communicate with him (If he is still interested in communication with me…) and others.

This morning I was feeling very bad, but now I’m feeling better again. Yesterday I was thinking that I had made some progress. For example, I don’t think so much about that ex anymore. Also, my drawings have improved, I think they have become more true to myself than before. And I’m notice my behavioural patterns more now. I realize that I often take things too personally, that my fears of hurting others are exaggerated, that I worry too much about what others think, feel guilty easily and am too self critical.

I think I really do what you said: I warn people of me… I have these fears of not being a good friend, of hurting others, not being there enough for others. What I also thought about during the last weeks: people tell me they feel calm when they spend time with me. One felt better when talking to me after a breakup, one said meeting me is like “coming home”. Weird how these people see me as this calm person, while I have so much inner turmoil going on!