It is his birthday soon. I want to do something nice, something that shows I care but I don’t want to do something that is over-the-top or will make him feel pressured.  He likes yoga but doesn’t have the spare cash to pay for a class so I considered booking him a 3 week pass to a yoga studio- he can go as much as he likes for 3 weeks.

Since I was on a peacemaking mission when we met we didn’t really discuss the future or anything (“Shall we be friends/Can we be friends/What do you want from this?” That conversation did not happen.)

So I’m in a place of uncertainty with this right now. Instinctively I beleive it went well- I left the interaction happy and confident. But that anxious/angry/afraid side of me is struggling with the uncertainty and the old patterns of thoughts are arising. So for example he has been online several times but not responded to the message I sent him yesterday- or even opened it. I’ve turned that setting off my phone now – nobody can see when I’ve been online or read messages and I cannot see theirs either. Detaching myself from that whole thought process is possibly what is healthy.

On the one hand I appreciate it will probably take time for him to relax properly in the relationship (I did really hurt him with my words, he was stressed out and lost his voice for 2 weeks! A real blow for him as a singing teacher) so I ought to be patient.

The angry/anxious side is telling me my expectations are not being met so I should bail to avoid getting hurt. Its hard to know which to listen to. It does hurt a bit that he hasn’t written back. 🙁

Maybe it was a bad idea to message him after all.
I just felt like things went well and I wanted to talk to him again.

I believe I can cope with the difficult feelings: but not sure how to deal with my interactions with him. I am too conflicted again to be able to act with clarity.