Shelby,

Dont you worry, I still have my handy reminder set on my phone to come back here in October 2019 and let you know exactly how I am doing.

A year seems like such a long time, such a distant future but the way I am feeling and the way things are going I don’t actually know if I’ll believe I’ll be any better off..

I can completely relate to the notion of being stuck on pause. I feel like I have been in this paused moment since late August, 4 months or so… a pause full of confusion, hurt and complete lack of direction. I literally have no clue which way I want to go. I realise this has a lot to do with the fact that I am unable to make a solid and clear decision because I am too afraid of facing the consequences, I’m too afraid I will make the wrong choice that I will never be able to go back from and as a result will have to live with the upset forever. But this lack of decision making is also keeping me in a place of pause and it is not somewhere that I want to be.

For a while now I’ve been saying that i don’t know how I’m gonna get there or where I am even going but I want to be anywhere other than here – on pause, surviving, distracting. I’m so tired of this meaningless phase of life.

Nonetheless, I know all this, but what am I really going to do about it? Probably nothing.