Hi Shelbyville,

I read Michelle’s reply and your reply to her and your meetup with your ex.. and something popped into my head. It seemed to me that you have not accepted that the door to your relationship has closed; perhaps you are hoping that if you knock on it from time to time, it will open once again for you.

And the getting in touch with your ex from time to time are your attempts to knock and see if there is a response from him and that you both can open the door once again. I think like Michelle pointed out, you seem to be afraid of change/what change might bring.

I wonder if you are fearful that if you grieve and accept that the door is closed and thus moving on and being open to the change in your life,  that door will be closed for good. Though I think that the contrary is true, that if you accept that this door is closed, then you can work on yourself and your ex can work on himself. Cos even if the Shelbyville now and the him now get back together again, the same problems exist and you both will be back to square one.

The relationship probably stands a better chance if you both have improved on each other, close this door and then open a new door together the next time. So look at yourself too, how have you changed during the relationship and how has that contributed to it not working out? I remember you saying that you used to travel alone, you used to do a lot of things but those were lost when you were in a relationship. Maybe you can find that Shelbyville back again and like Michelle said, to look at what you want for yourself in the future.

Only when you accept that the door is closed for good, then can you move on and have a change in your life. But I think that will take time to happen and it could be that you need to knock on that door more times to realise that the door is closed and no amount of knocking can reopen it. I also knocked repeatedly on the door with my ex too and it took prob 9 months to a year to realise that the door has closed and I need to grieve and I need to move on.

So do not be too hard on yourself too, everyone’s journey is different. And no matter how much we can say here and how much you read, end of the day, it is your own journey. Be gentle with yourself too – it takes time.