Hi anita, i remember discussing about my work situation with you. Thank you for replying here again.

My mom was incredibly unhappy and sad. I don’t think i was trying to make her happy. I think i was trying to survive. I am not sure if it was my mom’s doing or how i interpreted things or where it started but i convinced my self i was useless. I did not get into the best of colleges because i did not believe i could make it and hence did not prepare well. My whole life has been a loop of believing i won’t make it, not putting effort and as a result not making it. “It”refers to anything that could have given me a boost of confidence. Whether it is career or health.

I really tried until 8th grade. I believed we would end up begging if i did not get a good job. I used to study all the time and basically had no interests. However, the first time i liked a guy i was severely distracted and have never put the same effort again even now at work. I knew all my flaws by the time i was in 12 th grade and also severely hated my family for not being supportive in any way. I never was a child. I can see the difference in my sister and I. She is chirpy and jovial despite suffering from a really bad eye condition due to which simple tasks are difficult for her. She was even bullied for it. I will not say it did not get to her but she just moves forward. She had a childhood -The difference in maturity in the two of us is evident.

College went smooth because i was studying with people that made it easy for me to get good grades as it was all relative. I truly could have gone to a better college. But i do not hold that against myself. Since it is not an esteemed college i don’t consider it an achievement and my entire time in college went in believing i will not get a job.

It was not until around the time last year when i wrote on this platform that I realized that I am not incompetent and can do things if i give it my all. But this has not helped. I am not able to move forward. I don’t have the energy to try. I don’t know what to go for next. I really feel empty and i have no one.

My mom does not know why we marry. She tells me that it is what we have to do. And literally i am looking at strangers and deciding if i want them for a husband. I at the same time am not able to turn away from this.

I am powerless, people are too strong, harsh even cruel. No one stops to see where another is coming from. So i am stuck being down and weak while everyone else bombards me with their expectations. I do not even know if i should reject them as they maybe right after all. I have truly not worked on anything since 8th grade. I have no joy left.