Dear Belinda:

Reads to me that he got scared. I would be very surprised if he didn’t. By the time people are in their teens, they are already afraid of getting hurt, so I am not surprised he is afraid. If he didn’t express any fear, you would  probably get scared yourself, soon enough, before the visit, I would think.

So maybe he got scared first.

You wrote: “I always believed that when two people met and they were right for each other, there is no such thing as too fast”- when things feel so right, things do go fast, as in having sex quickly, the same day, or having a whole relationship, beginning, middle and end all in a three weeks vacation.

But long term, I don’t think that there is such a thing as two people who suffered failed relationships in the past, to magically have a smooth sailing relationship. I think it is a fantasy.

I don’t think either one of you can possibly know that the other person is right, or one’s soulmate- your relationship has been limited to one context,  an online/ video context. You need to get to know each other in more than one context, in a variety of contexts over longer than a month.

Regarding what to do next, if I was you, I would continue the same routine of contact (time of the day you make contact, frequency of contact) that you had with him in the last two weeks or so. For a person who  is scared, routine is comforting.

When you communicate with him, pay attention to how you feel. If you feel more cautious, let it show in your choice of words, tone of voice and facial expressions, as naturally as possible. Don’t fake feeling enthusiasm if you don’t feel it.

Fear is a very powerful emotion- o way to make it go away by talking about it a lot, so  I wouldn’t bring it up, not more than asking him how he is feeling, or if he is quieter than usual, you can tell him: you are quieter than usual, how are you feeling?

Listen to his answers, maybe repeat his answers to him in some way, so that he knows you heard him. Talk to him in a casual way, that is, don’t communicate to him that you are alarmed and devastated. Or that the fact that he is afraid is a horrible thing. That will cause him to be more afraid.

Let’s say you have a child who  is afraid, you wouldn’t tell the child: you are afraid! Oh, this is a terrible thing! What did I do wrong? Etc. Instead, you talk gently to the child, hold his hand, tell  him it  will be  okay, say: I can see you are afraid, and it is okay. I am here for you. Feeling safe with  you, over time, the child will share more and more with you.

What do you think?

anita