Dear gj:

“I have lived in fear all my life”-

– question is what to do about this fear, how to lower it, contain it, manage it better, so that there is space in your mind and life for some joy, curiosity, desire, drive, motivation.

Once the fear was established that you would be hurting your family if you get bad marks or don’t make enough money (“if I fail, it would also hurt me family as I saw myself as the one to support the family financially”)- it doesn’t matter that later, or so far, they didn’t need your financial help because the fear was already established and the future cannot be predicted.

Your fear regarding finances is that you/ your family will be without money. A child doesn’t distinguish between herself and her family, the two are one unit, in her mind. And as you live with your family, sleeping in the same room with your mother and a sister or two (I don’t remember), I question if still, you don’t see yourself and your family as one unit.

If you lived away from your family, on your own, and if you felt that you are not responsible for them financially, do you think that you will feel less fear, as having only one person to feed, clothe and housed, you, that is and no  one else?

anita