Dear Anita,
I’m so sorry that you are walking along a similar path to me. (((hugs))) It’s one of the hardest paths to walk along, and progress through.
You are right about the parent/child relationship here. And it’s the same with my sister. I love them both, and it is an unconditional love, something I was born with. You can’t just turn it on and off like a tap (faucet?) when you feel like it, can you? At the moment, the love I feel for both my mother and my sister is tinged with a sense of overwhelming pity, particularly for my mother.
As my sister appears to be able to do exactly that, I think that she does have, towards me, ‘conditional love’. Or no love at all. My mother is too confused now to be able to be ‘conditional’ about love, but was exactly the same as my sister until her dementia got worse. Now she is just confused.
Their conditional love has always depended on whether I am there to do their bidding, put them first, and agree with everything they say. My sister has always been this way. My mother is no longer this way. My mother would be though, if she hadn’t developed dementia.
Because I have dared to question my sister over my mother’s finances and her control over them, I am not being spoken to at the moment. I have not seen my mother for over a week now. I knew this would happen. I have been deliberating over having this conversation for quite a while. Because I knew what the outcome was going to be.
Late last week, I politely enquired as to what her and her husband were contributing to the bills now they had moved in officially with my mother (sister moved in unofficially 6 months ago). Sis hates being answerable to me, but it is my duty because of the LPA laws that I am aware of the financial situation. I explained this to her. (The authorities take a very hard line with anyone abusing a vulnerable adult’s finances and welfare here in the UK). She said she was well aware of the rules and that I should go and see a solicitor if I thought differently. She also said it was ‘none of my business’ what her income was, but as her income is coming from my mothers savings, I had to point out that, actually, it is my business, which enraged her still further. She knows she is taking advantage, of that I am sure. If I fail in my duty as per LPA rules, I am as guilty as she is, by association. And somewhere down the line there is going to be a reckoning.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 