Kkasxo, glad you understood where I was coming from. It’s not always easy but so worth it.  I’m actually glad to hear you can recognise you don’t love Mr Arsehole ( I’m going to short-cut him to Mr A2 I think !) , as I figure admitting that must be pretty scary.  It may be a rough patch – for sure we’ve had them and cards on table I’ve had times I didn’t think it was going to work out for us – and it was only by talking, being willing to listen, being open to seeing things differently and as importantly acting on them we’ve grown into what we are now, though at the grand old age of 43 I’m sure I still have a lot to learn yet!  But it’s that last bit about acting on them which as you identified is so important – people can say all the right things and in agree in theory but it’s actions that count and they count the most when you actually face those situations.  Which is why it’s so painful to see Mr A2  everytime a situation comes up for you guys these days not Mr A1. It’s worth all the effort to find out if Mr A1 is still in there but if he’s not open to talking further, that’s going to be hard. I’d just continue to be clear from your side as to what is ok and what isn’t, without recriminations or accusations, just as facts. I.e. a behaviour isn’t ‘wrong’ per se, it just isn’t a behaviour you expect from a partner in your life. So his choice is to either stay the same or recognise that continuing that behaviour has the eventual consequence of losing your love.

Shelby – you do know it’s ok to say no right… that’s a lot on and time to yourself is as important as helping others. I’d have a stab at working out how much time you want for yourself, even if you have plans to do anything with it – else you are going to be burned out and resentful before you know it, if not already.

I wasn’t actually even thinking about you finding someone else like me, you are clearly still wrapped up in this current guy. I was interested to understand what the gaps actually were between what you want from this relationship and what he doesn’t. If I understand correctly, the reason you split before was that he couldn’t commit to moving in with you – had you also discussed children, do you know if he wants them or not?  Has he actually said he doesn’t want to live with you?  What are your expectations of living together vs his – i.e. I assume he’d still want to run off and do these kinds of trips with family, all his current life commitments. Are you expecting that to change if you lived together?  A lot of questions! Just trying to help drill down into how you see your ideal future together to be able to understand how it compares to the reality of what is on offer from this guy. Take care eh, put those feet up at some point..