Hi all thanks for responding.

I will give a bit of background information.

I come from a somewhat broken family. My parents never really had any time or affection to share with each other. They were like no other couple i had observed when i was very young. My father used to be incredibly aggressive to my mother and brother. This stopped as he became chronically ill, which he still is.

I had dealt with a lot of loss during my childhood. We had to leave the house we were living in. My parents were always in court for it. I cannot recall much as i was only 6 years old. this had traumatised my parents and my brother, who are all still effected by it over a decade later. Around this time, my dad became chronically ill, so i cant really remember a time where he wasn’t sick. within the last year he has become a double amputee due to a vascular disease. It was an absolute shock to everyone. this started to unfold about 11 months ago, around the time i started to have trouble with my boyfriend. All the stress of my home and school life just made me want to be away from everyone i knew. This was resolved around 6 months ago. however, i have rOCD now and im not sure why as my relationship is fine and i have an amazing boyfriend.

The constant fear started to surface one day 6-7 months ago when my boyfriend told me that he was conflicted and didnt know what he wanted. this was mainly because of how i distanced myself and threw a wall up as i felt like no one would ever be able to understand my situation. However, he was not leaving me but i didn’t see that and went into meltdown mode. so for a month i was worrying about if he really wanted our relationship, if he chose to stay because he felt bad ect. The list goes on. It was intense and incredibly debilitating. anyway there was a week of clarity where i felt connected to him and then one day, i didnt feel so good and it scared me and that’s where the fixation started. id frantically google everyday for an answer that id never get. I was shocked. i felt as if i didn’t love him anymore, this made me physically sick and it was all i could think about. thankfully, this isn’t the case anymore. Now, i am just left with a murky feeling. i dont really have specific doubts as often and i dont read into small things anymore.

Anita, in regards to your post. yes, i am fearful of our future together(hence why i have this ongoing feeling) and i had noticed that it does make me want to pull away.

I’m not sure why i’ve created this mindset, but i do know that i truly love him and i would like to stay with him. He is an amazing person who is no doubt one of a kind and i’d hate to throw my relationship away because of this.

Thank you