So… in short…

I meet a man and either I like the way he looks or I don’t.

I may like the way he looks, but if after two or three meetings I don’t feel “it” > no use. Nothing else matters (looks that I may have liked earlier, how he treats me, who he is, etc.)

I don’t like the way he looks, don’t feel “it” > no use.

I guess under “it” I mean the easy test: can I imagine being intimate with him or not. Now why I can imagine being intimate with the very few, but not with others – that I don’t know.

Ultimately, am I not supposed to be looking for that special someone? If a few are equally special (each in his own way) or equally meh, then I don’t think it is fair to continue to give them hope.

In long…

Michelle, it is not that I consciously reject those whose looks (let’s put it this way even though I’d say it is closer to charisma – that is why when I try to find a pattern in my previous attachments, I fail to do so – physically they were all very different, in age and in appearance though I do tend to be attracted to older men; and yes, I know that charisma often goes hand in hand with narcissism and emotional unavailability etc., etc.) I don’t like. It is as if I were the perfect example of what psychologists say – that our subconsciousness decides whether we like a person or not (or whether he is of interest as a partner to be more specific in my case) in the first 1-3 seconds of the face-to-face. And that people tend to choose partners who mirror them in appearance – pretty tends to choose pretty, a skinny person will hardly be pulled towards an obese man, things like that (of course, there are exceptions). At the same time, I can name a couple of instances when I didn’t like the man at first (actually, it was like that with my ex), but after half a day together my opinion changed. Still, if I don’t like somebody after, say, two or three meetings, no use trying more.

More than that, when I followed my mother’s advice and tried to “give them a chance”, my aversion grew and more than that (and it is not that I was imagining or was biased towards them), these men behaved in such a way that proved that I would be settling – such as not valuing my time, not calling when they say they would, going MIA for a long time and then resurfacing (or not), etc. I trust my gut feeling now and do my best not to waste my time. After all, am I not supposed to do just that – trust myself more?…

And when I say “like”, first, it means that I am not interested in the man – that I don’t want to know about him, have no questions to ask, don’t want to get to know him better and, if he is attracted to me and tries to get closer to me, I immediately find a million things I could do to spend my time better.

By the way, the same happens with some men to whom I am attracted at first (I guess that primal physical attraction – like we would look good together in a picture), but after a few conversations, if I don’t feel the charisma or spark or whatever it is that something else, they immediately stop being of interest to me. (Funny enough, hardly anybody from this category really sees anything in me, so I have no qualms.)

And when I tried to analyse what it was in particular, I realised that because they lacked that something, I couldn’t imagine being physically close to them, would be sick even at the thought of holding hands together.

At the same time, there are men with whom I am good friends, I enjoy talking to them, etc., but there is no physical aversion, just pure neutrality on my part. And even though I obviously respect and value them and enjoy spending time with them, I couldn’t fall in love with them no matter how hard I tried.

The “selection process” that I described is hardly a conscious thing on my part. I tried to find a pattern and answer whys as to what I feel towards different men and this is what I came up with.

To sum it up, with me everything ultimately boils down to that special something that is either revealed in the first 2-3 meetings with a man (of whatever appearance and background) and so I find him appealing or not. It seems that I cannot bypass that “special something” and I cannot really pinpoint what it is – it is either there or not. And I can feel that “something” both when the man has no clue that I liked him and (like it was with my ex) when the man himself starts pursuing me and I realise that something might be there.

Well, with my ex it was a very active pursuing on his part. What has caused me various degrees of heartache and longing was when men start pursuing and then go MIA or when there are seemingly signs of their interest (of which they may not be aware – think male-female nature or they may not mean much to them at the end of the day), and the romantic me starts seeing something in them and naturally my imagination runs wild.

I am afraid that this elusive “something” my stumbling block.

Just like this crush that I am developing now – in fact, for the first time since something undeterminate over a year ago. Good case in point, by the way, as it is happening here and now, and I am both the agent and the observer. And how ironically – just a few days before the day I am about to describe I thought that nearly a year had gone by with me meeting new people (and going on a few first dates with a few people – every single one of which being the first and the last), but not really liking anybody at all… And all of a sudden… But I am fairly sure it will remain a platonic sigh on my part and nothing will come out of it. But hey – who knows, right? See how it goes… Yes, in circles…

So…

We had met before, and I remember making a mental note to myself that he was a pleasure to talk to and to look at.

Now several (five or so) years later, I happen to interact with him directly for over an hour. I am now single, completely unattached as that major crush of mine that helped me to get over my breakup has been uneventfully simmering for three years and going nowhere. And it just so happens that he gazes into my eyes for a long time – Michelle, there was enough time for me to blink three times, to muse in amazement why he was looking into my eyes for so long, that all the people around (of course, he is a prominent figure in our hierarchy) were politely waiting for him to start the meeting and that I had better break this eye contact myself since I didn’t know how much longer he might be continuing like that.

And that how it starts. Then I remember how our paths crossed in the corridor a couple of months ago and he nodded to me, how just two days prior he said hi to me from across a huge empty parking lot, how he veered off the main idea of his upcoming speech exactly after he had seen me (did he also feel something and was confused, overcome with emotion maybe???), how several days later we come across each other again and this time I say hi, and his eyes are so caring, warm and loving for longer than needed to acknowledge another person’s presence (Or so it seemed – ???) By comparison, during that first staring into each others’ eyes, his eyes showed nothing, but I was sitting right next to him and can vouch that he was looking into my eyes and was not somewhere in his thoughts so that his glance merely happened to rest on me.

Next I do research. Indeed, no more wedding ring. Looks unhappy, so divorce in order or just over and unlikely on his initiative. Takes random days off – most unusual. No good candidate for the romance if it is so fresh. But my oh my, how cute he is and how good we would look together – so yes, I am interested!

Again, if he does nothing, this feeling of mine will subside in a couple of months (I am already thinking about him all too often). If he makes a few steps like inviting me out and then stops, it will take me much longer to get over. If no new man comes into my life, it may take me up to a year to forget my imaginings of what could have been and how it could have been developing with him. I could write novels!

But at the very beginning – that many years ago – there was that something that made me make a mental note that I “could” with him and this time around it started totally uncontrollably on my part – I suddenly realised in a meeting before the one above that I wanted to hug him from behind as he was sitting at the head of the table.

I am not sure that initial spark or interest is something that can be started consciously. I can explain post factum why it started, why he is worthy of me (or me of him, but I can’t say why it started with him and not with another one whom I know to be no less worthy.

But without it, the man is indifferent to me and I can’t imagine being physical with him.

I am sure that I have had similar encounters and glances and talks with other men, but I forgot all about it, because I didn’t become interested.

A good marker, too, is whether I start living in my head with the man. If, according to me, we are a match, I start thinking how wonderful it would be to travel together, we could go for a walk there, I’d love to watch TV cuddling with him etc. and if I don’t like him, I think the opposite – I still have places X, Y, and Z to visit and I want to do it alone for it has been on my list for too long and I need it for my personal development, once I am done, maybe I’ll consider going on more dates; I want my cup of tea at my place alone; I want my book and my computer; and what on Earth am I doing here with him feigning interest where there is none?!? …

So why and what to do about it is a very big question indeed.