Hi Lia,

I was looking for bloggers who blogs about life and such and come across yours and got curious as to what your site has. I thank God I found you. I can totally relate to what you’re going through and I want to tell you about my story and some pieces of advises I can give you I think.

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is Angelica, I’m a Filipino and I’m 25 years old turning 26 this coming May. I got depressed late 2017 I didn’t tell anyone at first because it will got you thinking maybe you’re just too stressed out working or physically tired but I read an article online and search for symptoms of depression that’s when I realized and said to myself “I think I’m depressed.” I seek professional help that time but it’s just a one time thing and the doctor gave me prescription to take for sleeping and I can’t remember one of the medicine I took that time but it felt like it’s going to make you feel calm or dizzy or quite high so you can just go to sleep and rest so your mind will be at ease. Then 2018 came that’s when everything exploded in front of my eyes that I can no longer contain it in inside as I attempted to commit suicide so I decided to seek professional help again and this time I took antidepressant medication for how many months and I had therapy. When I had the therapy before it comes a time that I got to know the root cause of my depression and “It’s my Father” as it all boils down to my roots or foundation which is my parents or him because he was the reason why our family got messed up. As what my doctor said the cases like mine won’t be felt until you reach your young adult age most especially I’m the youngest in my family and you know when your young you can’t really tell your parents what you feel inside you because you just keep saying yes that you think and feel everything was okay until you become an adult and realize that everything that happened in your childhood affected you so badly. I was told by my doctor if I couldn’t verbally say what I feel to my father then I can just write and send it to him so I did.

My father was into a lot of girls in his times, drinks here and there. Anyway, I had an awesome and crazy childhood. My father was a great manipulator. He will use emotions to manipulate you and it sucks! I fell for it many times and I believe everything he said since I look up to him because my mom was on the other side of the world (another country) working her ass off to provide for us and also I long for a parent because no one is beside me physically all throughout my life except for my sister who has been a sister and a mother to me growing up since my mom wasn’t physically available to support me. So anyway, I really had a long story but what’s worse is way back last year 2018 May 2, I can’t forget my father called me and said worst things I could have ever imagined a parent would tell a child. After a month of not saying anything when I sent my letter to him he called and told me a lot of things and one of it was “I was letting boys use my body” It’s like I was a slut to him. “You want me to discredit you with your boys?”. That’s just some pieces of words he threw at me. It hurts like hell you know. He can’t just accept the fact that he’s the main reason why he and my mom got separated because of all his stupid deeds and he can’t accept it because of his super duper mega PRIDE and EGO! and the fact that his youngest child is telling him straight to his face but in written form. but I have good intention for writing letter to him because I just had to say what I wanted to say that keeps me going forward in my life because I don’t want to grow old having this grudge towards him but it end up worse. but that’s life you have to move forward even if it’s hard.

Until one day it’s all over. I was free from depression but the anxiety never really go away. As my doctor said, anxiety will be there every now and then. It’s so hard for the days that I will have anxiety attack it’s like everything is falling down that sometimes you just want to keep it all to yourself because you don’t want to burden anyone with it and the feeling that no one will understand you except for yourself. 

As time went by, I slowly learned to open up to some people that I trust that whatever it is you want to say there’ll be no judgement that will come from them because you know and they’re making you feel that they will be there for you at all cost. It’s so hard to tell people what you’re going through because sometimes your relationship with them may it be with your friends or family are being ruined because you can’t control everything what about to go out of your mouth that comes from your mind from being open to everything and the reaction from them. But in this time you will learn who are the real people that truly care and love you for who you are and will always be there whatever happens. Having this anxiety is crazy because you don’t know when will it occur but when it does you know it’s real and you will feel that all things around you is starting to turn upside down like you just want it to end. The excruciating pain that stole your happiness, the smile in your lovely face and the joy you bring to other people are sometimes messed up because of this anxiety. Overthinking comes with it, self pity and etc. that everything you see or feel irritates you and just want to be alone at times but doesn’t really want to. That kind of feeling that you can’t control. Sometimes it will consume you to the point you are questioning everything even your own self if you are really worth it. You’re mind has become irrational to the things that touches your sensitivity when it comes to the root cause of your bitterness or pain or what really causes everything when you became depressed. Up to this day, I still experience anxiety from time to time but I’m fighting harder each time it occur and learning what I can do to prevent and cope up with it.

All of this are the product of your own mind and the memories of all the negative, sad, bad experiences you had in your life. When you let everything consumes you it will tear you apart and break you into pieces like you’ve never been before. But take this, your only battle is to fight it that what you want is to live because you are worth it and life is so beautiful that you want to taste and feel what more of what we called life has to offer. There are still people that believes in you trust me may it be some or only one it doesn’t really matter as long as you believe and have faith in yourself you will get through it and the real people who really care and love you will come out on it’s own. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and always there for you whenever you need them. CUT THE TOXIC PEOPLE in your life may it be friends or family. You will not make progress if you keep holding on or involving yourself with the people who causes you pain or preventing your happiness to come out. As what other people usually say “let bygones be bygones” or “be patient, work hard for it and everything will follow.”

I hope somehow my story impacted you and can help you cope up with what you’re going through.

– Angelica