well, i have an update.  Nothing much to update.

Valora, If we do separate, i would stay in my daughters room when she isn’t there and on the couch when she is.  My kids have been coming over and we have all been getting along better.

Mark,

We have gotten into a couple fights and ended up in conversations about her leaving.  But then again the next day rolls around and I feel guilty and responsible and cave in.  I wish i could tell her just to leave, but I can’t.  this guilt is killing me.  I feel like I owe it to her to keep trying.  I know that’s not the answer, but I can’t help it.  She starts crying and i give in.  She’s also in a real bad situation.  This new job has pretty much broke her financially.  In fact i’ve had to give her money this month for gas and stupid expenses because she has had none.   She has no money until the end of this month, which wont’ be a lot.  maybe $600-$800 for the month after bills/food/ect.  And she only gets paid once a month now.  So she won’t get paid until the end of may after this check.

When we did talk last about this she said something about staying here until the school year was over.  I think that is good for the kids, but would be devastating and a very uncomfortable month and a half for her, I, and our kids.  This is really F%$#ed up.  Unless her parents are willing to take her in for a while until she can get situated and save some money.  A while meaning a few months at least.  There is literally no where for her to go.  Her sister ended up having their son move back in and her brother and his girlfriend are “working on it” so that isn’t an option either.  I feel like i’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  This is so difficult.  Having kids involved on both of our sides it really troublesome and heartbreaking to deal with.  I want to talk to her again so very bad, but I can’t see her hurt.  She cried all night and all day the next day last time we talked.  And if i wouldn’t of agreed to try again, she would probably still be crying.

I know what i need to do, but i can’t.  I seriously feel  like because of me she lost everything she had worked for.  Now i’m just kicking her out on her ass(that’s what it feels like).

I really do feel helpless and lost now.  I know I need to be alone to be happy,  I need to tell her that.  I just can’t see her face or hear her tears when i do.  I know exactly how she feels about me, about us.  She would do anything in the world that it would take for me and for us.  I just don’t feel the same.  I wish I did so much.  I wish I felt the way I did with my ex about her. But I don’t.  In fact I still have those feelings inside for my ex.  I really am hating myself.  I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me.  I really wish I would have never started dating again after my divorce.  I  understand now why people say they are happier being alone.