Hey X,

Hye, Michelle,

How goes it? Lovely Easter break here – even had sunshine, very rare for the UK!  Good to see the really helpful input from GL here too.

Yes, GL has been very helpful. I am not yet sure how one’s mind works exactly, sometimes I know the brain does its silent work unbeknown to one’s consciousness – let’s hope for this one!

I’ve mulled over what you have shared and the articles you’ve referred to etc.  I’m thinking what comes through loudest is perhaps very simple at the heart of it all, lack of experience and confidence in dating/relationships, some unfortunate examples to date and a slow realisation that relationships aren’t like much else of early life. As in it isn’t about working/trying harder, learning and following the rules and getting your ‘rewards’ like work/school. As you say – it’s giving up on the Disney dream of being good and waiting and your prince will arrive, doesn’t happen like that.

Yes, exactly so! The “guy who led me on” also said that I lacked experience. But how can I have experience if I only can have it with those whom I like? Sure I can “give others a chance”, but that “chance” can last only through date one, after which I start yearning for the peace and quiet of my place and think of all the things that I so much enjoy doing and that no, I don’t need anybody yet and I am fine on my own and I have yet so much to accomplish before I can commit to somebody…

Again, I repeat myself, but when I meet somebody whom I like, all those plans fly out of the window, and I literally have to force myself to remember my interests and to refrain from being with the object of my affections 24/7.

And it has always been like that. I think I am a late-bloomer, so until I was, hmmm, 18 years old, I didn’t see anybody around me who would spark an interest in me. Hence no experience because why would I want to spend time with somebody whom I didn’t like to begin with? Not to mention that I had my studies to attend to. And it is only after I “came of age” so to speak with no suitors around that I started to think that something might be wrong with me and unleashed that chain of infatuations with #1 and 2 and that my mother started to insist upon me giving a chance to those whom I didn’t like at first glance.

Ultimately, now I simply don’t know. It appears that I giving somebody a chance if I don’t like them in the first place is useless. That if I like a man as a friend (i.e. am neutral, asexual towards him), I won’t fall in love with him though we might be compatible and respect is certainly there otherwise we won’t be friends. And that if I like somebody, it is either unreciprocated (and who would want that?) or if I am liked in return, the man is all messed up and not at his best to start a sound relationship. Hence it ends how it ends.

So I get sick and tired of it, become disillusioned. Then, if I start thinking that no one likes me, I get a bunch of men whom I can’t stand. Or, if I think that there is no one whom I like, I, all of a sudden, start liking somebody who either doesn’t notice me or, else, reciprocates, but is all messed up (see above). I get disillusioned, take a break, but then the cycle starts anew.

But if you know you want someone who is financially sound and willing to spend it looking after you – if it’s one area where you don’t want to compromise, then you don’t and when you go on dates that indicate the men aren’t that way inclined, then it’s simple to see there was no point continuing.

Well, at least the money test is easy to conduct and all whom I know would interpret the results unequivocally.

Like everything, sounds simple like that. The hard part is determining what you yourself care about, what are your fundamental values, wants. Not what others tell you to want to be happy.  Equally, no point at all in pretending to be something you are not to attract others, e.g. the cooking, the nail-painting, smart phones. It’s not you, so why would any relationship started based on a false impression of you be a relationship that you would want, unless you are literally looking for a man to look after you regardless, which I don’t think is where you are at?

My father has always encouraged me not to be afraid to be different, to stand out. Yet, it hasn’t really gotten me very far relationshipwise…

(My ex seemed to understand it all; for at least for the first two years (if we forget about his marital status) he was intellectually, physically etc. all that I had ever wished for – and even that didn’t work out, turned out to be an illusion, a fraud. And then about the same story with the “guy who led me on”… Enough to get discouraged furtheron.)

On the other hand, when I weigh pretending for the sake of appearances against being myself, even without a relationship, when I look around and see so few women whom I really could envy, I feel that it is a decent trade-off. Only there shouldn’t be any trade-offs. Who said that it is either a relationship or fulfillment and living life the way you want? Why can’t it be both?

So I totally understand Shelby when she says that a love story similar to the one she lived with her ex is hardly possible with anyone else in its intensity (sigh) and Kkasxo who wishes to return the early times when her ex was the best man imaginable, not a stranger with the same appearance…

Yes, the pool of available, healthy men gets smaller as we age and pair up but in the same way you are still available, there are others in there. 

I remember somebody saying that the pool of men doesn’t really get smaller. How many men divorce? Nearly one in two and nearly all of them are again out there looking for a relationship. And I am not sure they are much more damaged now than they were when they entered their previous relationship – everyone carries their parents’ and childhood’s weight.

 Like looking for jobs, it doesn’t hurt to practice interviews ( dates ) literally to gain experience, practice. Look on those few disaster dates ( in your view ) as exactly that, time spent practising and figuring out what you like and what you don’t. It will help you appear less vulnerable, innocent and stop attracting those Cat 1’s, who tend to pick up on that vibe.

In all frankness, I have no idea what they pick up on! Since I don’t like them, I am extremely reserved with them, never initiate contact – am completely standoffish. If they don’t get it, I am really doubting whether humans are overall capable to interpret another fellow being’s emotions correctly at all!

And yes, Michelle, that is how I view those dates – as a chance to interact with men (but I have a lot of men at work and they are all so different) and to experience how they behave when trying to date somebody. So far, just like with Shelby, I can only state that my ex stands out head and shoulders above them all (in addition to how much I liked him, though that was a gradual development) in how he wooed me.

Lastly – if you know/suspect you are an anxious attachment type then I’d give you the same advice I gave Shelby/Kkasxo. Why wouldn’t you want to spend this time healing yourself towards a secure attachment style so as to give your future relationships the best chance possible.

Right now I don’t want anybody – I may be slightly disillusioned now, after hope rose its head again regarding that man I wrote to you about. Nothing has happened, but I still daydream (just a little bit) that it may be for the better because he is not good relationship material right now, that if he is like the majority of the men I read about, he will eventually start looking around – and here I am, etc. etc. Soon I become sick and tired of it and, my liking not being reciprocated, I close up in myself for some time, “healing”.

Then time passes, nature calls again, I start thinking that no one likes me and get a bunch of men whom I can’t stand.

Or, if I think that there is no one whom I like, I start liking somebody who either doesn’t notice me, and the cycle starts anew.

Or else, reciprocates, but is all messed up and goes MIA after some time. I get disillusioned (if not heartbroken), take a break, don’t want anybody for some time and the cycle starts anew – lather, rinse, repeat.

But I don’t think I have had anybody reciprocating at least in the early stage so that I get my hopes all so high since the “guy who led me on” and that was three years ago. Three years since he stopped writing, that is.

How would I know that I have made progress if guys can disappear in the …th year of living together, run away with secretaries, live a double life without the spouse suspecting anything and so on and so forth? So even time is not a true indicator, unless the two are on their death bed and clearly state that they have loved and been faithful to each other all their lives, is it?

Looking for a secure-type partner to do the work for you is not the best option.

I am not looking specifically for a secure-type partner. Or rather, those whom I think to be secure and start liking, turn out to have a lot of issues, so their “secure” was just an appearance. And to those whom I think to be secure and like as friends I don’t feel anything more than pure friendship. So I would say that this is not a valid option for me just because it doesn’t work out that way for me.

Or do you suggest that it will work in ways unexpected for me until now? Similar to all those recent minor crushes that passed more or less quickly, but that were for men who either truly single or not emotionally involved in their official relationship? During the past three years, none after a man who was happy with his spouse – baby steps like that?

And one more thing.

Michelle, any recommendations on how I can meet men? Knowing all along that I don’t like each and every men, that it is easier to work in a male environment than in a female-dominated one with gossip and such and also because of my tomboy childhood, I consciously strived after working somewhere where I would be exposed to many men. So at work I interact with many men, and often I meet men from other departments or even countries, so it is not like they are all always the same.

My hobbies are also conducive to meeting men.

I am now not ashamed to say that I am single and “if you happen to know that somebody is single and looking, send him my way”.

Would you recommend online dating? Some claim that they have met their match or know somebody who did online whereas others say that it is a waste of time. I don’t like the idea of dating a few men simultaneously (or being one whom one dates like that), but if I put in an internal inhibit not to like somebody prematurely, that may work.

Yet, I am not convinced that going through a big number of men as if on a conveyor belt will work:

https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/where-do-i-meet-single-men-if-im-in-my-40s

https://medium.com/the-mission/looking-for-the-one-how-i-went-on-150-dates-in-4-months-bf43a095516c

What is your take on online dating?