Anna,

Thank you for your brave sharing here.  It sounds like you crave connection with genuine people, those who are authentic and with integrity.   Good for you!  It seems that you really mourn that you don’t have that in your life with anyone.  You want someone who gets you, who truly understands who you are.  You crave your tribe.

I totally get it.  I too have that same desire.  I am in my 60s and I have consciously been working on creating a community, a tribe since my 40s.  I have focused working on myself in understanding myself, to be more self aware, to be more mindful in being authentic and honest with myself.  I have a small circle of friends who are self aware, honest, and kind in varying degrees.  I have worked hard in attracting such a circle.

All I can offer is that you work on loving yourself which in turn loving others.  We are all One.  We are all flawed.  We all do the best we can do usually based on our upbringing.  We are products of that.  If you understand that people behave from how we learned from our upbringing then you are better equipped on understanding why people are assholes, lairs, cheats as well as those who have immense kindness, who are self sacrificial and who are all of that.  I believe that if I understand people then that is the first step towards compassion.

I believe the more I work on being self compassionate and self aware then I will attract the same.  I encourage you to do the same.  It can be a long and hard road but it is well worth the struggle.  Plus you have this community (among others) to draw upon support.

Mark