Dear anita,

hopefully everything will go better with the new roommates. Most of the time I am feeling better about myself, but at the dormitory, I still feel like a freak.

Yesterday, I did my laundry, and as somebody else had used my laundry rack, I took somebody elses. As I was putting up my laundry, I rested my hand too heavily on it and one of the sticks broke on one end :/ (Why does this have to happen exactly when I am borrowing someone elses rack? Why couldn’t it happen to my own one?)

I didn’t know what to do, but I wanted to inform someone, maybe pay for it. So I saw someone was in the community rooms and told them. But maybe also weirdly, and I did not say that I wanted to pay for it and didn’t find out who it belonged to. And it was probably exaggerated to tell someone anyways and maybe I disturbed them during their lunch…

I just feel like a horrible person while I am here. Like someone who only causes problems. It is because I didn’t communicate with the others and excluded myself. If I knew them better, I could have handled situations like this much better. At work, now I talk more to my colleagues and get along better with them. I feel more accepted and better there. And I started to like myself a little better again.

But here, it is too late to fix this. And I will hopefully move out soon anyways. I guess it is what is. The last year was just terrible for me and I didn’t handle a lot of things well. I went completely crazy and my insecurities got worse. But maybe I also learned some things.

Thinking back, I am unhappy with myself. I created a lot of problems.

But I am also trying to work on myself. Last week I met my mentor again and it made me feel more motivated. I have to work on all the ideas that I have. But sometimes I become too overwhelmed over where to start. Maybe I can start with smaller projects, like the article about the inner critic.

It is the best way for me to work on my projects, go outside or do sports instead of worrying.Soon I will move out, and start fresh. I really want to do better this time (but I am also worried about causing problems again).

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. I plan to go to the forest. That usually relaxes me and makes me feel better.