Dear Anita,

“life WAS helping her. Everything was her. everything. Even when I thought it wasn’t- it sure was. her”

You know what’s good today Anita. I am so tired, that I am too tired to come from an intellectual state.  It reminds me of the concept of how the truth comes out when you hit rock bottom, when you have “nothing” left.  Uncovering of sorts.  Not that this is “rock bottom” it is simply the twists and turns of the healing journey.

So to elaborate as authentically as I can:

I see me as someone who is strong and capable, as someone who has a good sense of herself.  But where did this come from? It is perhaps a lie.  See all of life was her.  Even when I didn’t think it was her (meaning I was attending to me, myself, my friends, my needs) it wasn’t.  It was a lie.  See even if I was “attending” to people of my choosing, it was always subconsciously to make her happy.  See it was always to make her happy.  It was all a lie, that I had any identity or self will – self imposed will – self drive. What is myself anyway?

As a kid I thought, or was told I was defiant and strong willed.  It seems doesn’t it – this that I was strong and confident! A person of her own will! But when you ask me what I would be doing if it wasn’t Helping her, appeasing her, my mind is a blank.  it occurs to me that this is life. LIFE is her.  All her.  It is like in Hinduism when they say we reincarnate – so then did I come back as a reincarnation as her crutch…I smirk as this i one of the things she praised teh most! Oh my daughters!! Look at this amazing daughter how Lucky I am to have her, look how much she cares about her mother.

But what is this daughter, who is she? her life has been a lie. CC being so happy and outgoing. lie.  CC being so friendly and engaging. lie

All she did was for her mother, to help her mother.  Thats all she iss.  That is who she is.  She is no one else.  She is mommys little helper.

She was told all this great stuff about herself, she engaged in so many great things. But her mind and life is blank.  A puppet for her mother. The mother child.

The best part, her mom taught her bull***t – so not does she not have a life outside of HER. HER is a lie in itself!! its not like she spent her life attending to an ailing mother dying of cancer for 20 years so her only role is caregiver.  No because in this case her life wouldnt be a lie.  she would have just missed out on key development perhaps – or had a different route.

This isnt a different route.  This is – what is it…

This is a bad birth