Dear Cali Chica:

I felt relief when I wrote that fear is me. But notice, I am not using words in an intellectual kind of way, or an adult kind of way, trying to make sense academically or be consistent, using words accurately, not in this exercise today. Fear is me means it always was and somehow it was not an option for  me to feel it. I was sick because of the ways I didn’t feel it. The ways I managed to  not feel it. It was, is me all along. I didn’t know how scared I was, didn’t know. You don’t know until you feel it, until you feel how it really was back then.

The language of love, yes, it is still there. Maybe for some people it isn’t here anymore, maybe they went too far, raging, but although I did hurt others and did things wrong, I didn’t go too ar. Neither did you. Of course, it is wrong to hurt your husband and of course it should not happen again. But if you stop today, you did not go too far. If you stop today and renew your efforts, increase your efforts to heal further, you will be earning your self forgiveness for hurting him before.

The love language, I think it is happening this very day, right here, in communication with you. I shared with you today all that I have, all that I could get in one day from these mammoth folders of mine. And for no other reason than to help you. Good thing it so happens that it is helping me as well, probably more than it is helping you, but I didn’t know it when I started this morning.

And look at your posts today, your realization of the fluff of social butterfly Cali Chica and the lack of social skills where it matters most, and all your sharing on your threads, what motivates all this and how is it that there is not a single member with whom I communicated, in more than four years so persistent as you, so honest through it all, open, considering ideas, receptive and in so, being so very helpful to me-

So you see,  you have been speaking the language of love all along.

anita