Dear V:

You are welcome. On the first page of your thread you wrote: “I often felt like I took on a lot of my mother’s emotions… the emotional dumping when I was younger, and now the need to still be there for every feeling she has… I feel like because I often would carry the weight of other people’s emotions.. I don’t have a place to ‘dump’ my own”.

When your mother dumped (and still does) her emotions on you, she gets to express herself at your expense. She unloads herself and uploads you with her excess emotional weight. It is a Win-Lose interaction: she Wins, you Lose.

The principle behind effective social interactions and interpersonal skills is Win-Win.

When you were a child and your mother dumped her emotions on you, you automatically took responsibility for her emotions, figuring it was your job and duty to make her feel better. Children do that because they are unable to see the mother as a separate person. For the child, mother and child are one,  one mental unit. Fast forward, you feel responsible not only for her feelings but for your friends’ and your boyfriend’s feelings. This burden of false responsibility is what makes it so difficult to listen to your friends’ and boyfriend’s feelings.

No one should dump their feelings on another, that is, expect and demand the other to make them feel better. People should share responsibly what they feel. Not going on and on endlessly, not talking to the listener whenever they feel like talking, regardless of what the listener is doing or feeling.

When your boyfriend shares with you about a difficulty he has, a distress, sadness, and you are not responsible for that, you didn’t cause it, remind yourself of this very thing: I didn’t cause it. He felt this way before he ever met me, etc. This will take away from your burden.

See to it that as you share, you keep it short, you don’t go on and on burdening a person. Share in Moderation. And expect him to do the same.

Put an end to your mother dumping her emotions on you. Do you think you can do that?

anita