Sheshe,
I think it is academic whether this guy is a player or an avoidant. It is his behavior that matters. You can understand why he behaves the way he does but ultimately it is how he behaves is how you decide on what to do with him. You have said he is trying hard though.

You need to look at your own behavior. There is a saying, “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” Your expectations such as how he would greet you and you looking for signs of neglect are self-defeating. Work on yourself on self soothing and communication.

You say you don’t know how to sooth. There are many ways like exercise, meditation, deep breathing, visualization. Get to that place of being emotionally resourceful and deal with your needs rather than putting it on him. Demands are a quick way of making people distance themselves from you.

Mark