My compulsiveness wasn’t about doing but about being. It was like I always tried to start afresh, picking a new sense of self and intention cause I apparently had anything better to do. I spent my teen years in a state oof non life, I desperately felt the need to adjust myself and become something, because I felt so much lack so much envy and jealousy. I saw peers with cool groups, cool likes, cool social skills, cool boyfriends. I felt like I had nothing and in a rush to not miss the best of my teen years I actively missed them. I missed experiences and proper real crushes that weren’t about total strangers, I missed crazy stuff to do with friends cause me and my friends were somewhat incompatible but still we put together cause we hadn’t no one else to go to. Pitiful right? I wasn’t getting responsible and starting focusing on studies or tasks or developing real life skills but my mind was getting sick, I started feeling soulless, me myself was getting sick. Youth is supposed to be about feeling alive, joyous and fresh but I wasn’t nothing of this, I started to become a zombie. Social settings were a pain because I could never nail something right and I wasn’t enough for anyone. My jokes were dismissed as awkward, my words as low key dumb, there was so much passive aggressiveness involved. My mind lived in such a weird way that by the time I was 18 my phobias and mental musings were on such weird and abstract questions that I couldn’t keep track of or understand them fully myself. It’s getting a little better now cause I’m learning how to not stay stuck in nonsensical and twisted matters but I recorded most of them in my diaries cause they gave me unbelievable dread I don’t think talking about them helped me grasp them neither. It was so scary and absurd. thanks God I’m no longer there.  Now taking in consideration that I may suffering from some mental disorder doesn’t worry me but soothe me cause at least I know how to define myself and what my non sense inner self comes from