Dear afeels:

Reads like you are clear about avoiding the group setting at this point, and about no longer pursuing a closer friendship with J.

Regarding meditation I recommend Mark William’s mindfulness guided meditation series. You can download it online, start with the first on the series, listen to it once a day (or more) for a week or so, then proceed to the second, and so on.

“I seem more functional the more withdrawn I am from others. The more emotionally distant people are from me. It feels safer and I can feel normal”-

– because your anxiety and anger are activated in the context of relationships with others. There is a deep conflict within you that awakens when in relationships. It doesn’t feel “normal” to be deeply conflicted, anxious and angry, it doesn’t feel good. Problem is we are social animals and we can’t turn that off.

If you proceed in healing from that deep conflict, from the anxiety- it will be best if you  combine lots of time alone, where it “feels safer” and you “can feel normal”, and time together with another person. The time together with another, as in a relationship, will be limited and you will be able  to recover from the activation of fear and anger when you are alone.

“I’m unsure as how to rid this fear, I don’t think I can. Can I? I wonder if you have been able to?”- no, I haven’t been able to get rid of fear. I always experienced breaks from fear, we all do, but no, I wasn’t able to rid myself of fear. Wish I did, wish I could. I agree with you- I don’t  think it is possible.

For one thing, we humans all know that we will die. We don’t know when, where and how. How can anyone not be afraid? Add to it that animals in nature who don’t have the ability to think about death, they are afraid too, afraid of predators for one. Afraid of smoke approaching. So I figure no one can get rid of fear. Nature’s primary concern is to survive, and protecting oneself from danger require fear. So fear is here to stay.

To not be overwhelmed by fear, to contain it, to live a meaningful life in spite of fear- that is possible. That I am doing and keep doing. It is a very, very gradual process that requires an unbelievable amount of patience and perseverance, a stubbornness and a belief that it is indeed possible.

Will you tell me more about that “visceral anger” that you “rarely feel until (you) encounter romantic relationships with men”, the anger that “keeps coming up and  it can feel extremely disproportionate”, and give me example of it?

anita