Anita–I can definitely relate to your analysis of the situation.  I do think there was something about him that I just clicked with on a level that’s hard to express and reminds me of being a child, when things were much less complicated.  Even though we talked a lot and deep conversations, what stands out most to me about out time together is that sometimes we would just look at each other, or hold hands, and it was magical.  It felt like I knew him.  Something about the way he looked at me felt so familiar; I got the overwhelming feeling sometimes that he reminded me of someone.

Even when we in a crowd of people, he would look at me from across the room and wiggle his eyebrows or do something ridiculous to make me laugh.  And there was something lighthearted and positive about his aura that really drew me in.  It just felt really good to be around him, in an effortless way that I’ve rarely encountered when dating.  I hadn’t connected this with my childhood experiences but I think it’s certainly possible–especially since my understanding is that attachment styles develop very early on in infancy.  And I have no doubt that my “anxious” attachment style played a role in the push and pull I’ve experienced with him.

Grenada–thank you for sharing.  I know exactly what you mean about feeling that if it were up to you, you’d be on a beach somewhere talking over things with your TF.  That’s how I feel too…I just want the opportunity to see him again and have a meaningful conversation.  It doesn’t sound like much to ask lol.  But he doesn’t seem to even want to give me that (especially after seeing me with my ex N), and I just have to accept that.  I’m not reaching out to him, I’ve given up on the idea of initiating things with him.

And it’s funny that your TF sounds a bit like mine, closed off.  Which drives me crazy.  For me, emotional intimacy, trust, honesty, and communication are all very important.  I NEED, not want, a partner who is emotionally intelligent and mature, and who reciprocates when I open up.  But S–from what I’ve picked up, again mostly relying on my intuition and things he said on dates–seems to have a lot of really deep-seated issues that prevent him from fully connecting romantically with someone.  For one thing, he said that he’s never been in love.  Even though I don’t like being judgmental, that did strike me as being a bit strange, as we’re both in our late twenties.  To me, that suggests a fear of intimacy, fear of relinquishing control, etc., which explains some of his behaviour.  He also seems to be in a lot of pain over the death of someone he was very close to.  And, from what my mutual friend told me, he seems to be using drugs like adderall/coke.  I had actually picked up on this when we were dating and asked him if he was on Adderall…he was like “how did you know?”  I just did.

Bottom line, I know he’s in a rough place.  And all I can be is compassionate and recognise there’s nothing I can do about it.  But it’s hard having genuine feelings towards someone I know I can’t be with (and who probably doesn’t have the same feelings towards me, even though deep down I feel like he might, and it makes me sad and frustrated and angry he just can’t be honest with me).