Hi PJ,

As you’ve found out, you cannot change someone else, in this case your wife.  The only person you can change is you.  We’ve established that there were always elements in your relationship that were lacking and it is up to you to decide whether or not you can continue living as a couple knowing that fundamentally as things stand you are not suited.  Your wife sounds as if she has some valuable qualities that you respect and this, no doubt, makes it difficult for you to leave.

With regard to the physical aspect of your marriage, I suggest that you broach this subject with your wife with the intention of seeking professional help with a sex therapist.  There’s a reason why the intimacy is lacking in your marriage and any  psychological aspects pertaining to this should be explored.  If she values you as a husband and she realizes how important this is to you, then she should agree to this.  Once this physical block has been released, you might find that the emotional connection happens of its own accord.

With regard to your children, they will handle the loss of your baby according to how you and your wife handle it.  They will take the cue from you.  As long as they know that it’s OK to feel sad, that people meet with disappointments along the way but life goes on and we all have to make the best of it, then you’ll have gone a long way towards ‘fixing’ them.  Nothing can take the experience away.  Leave the door open for them to discuss it if they want to.  I don’t know if you have a garden, but perhaps you could create a memory space for this lost child.  It doesn’t need to be much.  Just enough to contain a small plant or flowering bush, a few pebbles or polished stones, a place for a candle to be lit.

I hope you can work through this.

Peggy