All correct (unfortunately) . Thank you for your time and insights Anita.

I’m trying to see it in terms of sunken investment. I put all my chips on one number and unfortunately the house won. I don’t think I’ll ever be in a good position to see her again. It will just cause me pain, I’m sure she has probably moved on and isn’t losing sleep over me anyway. Just the way that she is, she moves away from painful things and goes immediately to the new. I’m also trying to see it that people have a lot of damage in their childhoods that can cause damage to other people. I have the same damage from childhood but chose to not let it affect other people, If at the price of me reserving myself and not opening up fully. I don’t think I’ll be making the mistake of putting all my chips on one number again. I overreached too much through the whole thing and we both wanted the security for different reasons.

I have a book called the mindful self-compassion workbook that I’ll work though and try to make sense of getting back to an equilibrium again. Hopefully though going through that and others I can make sense of everything. As you said she will be the same way either way. Just at the moment feels like she has all the benefit and i’m still scrambling in the dirt. I guess for the moment.