Dear anita,

since I moved out, I am feeling much better. The anxiety is mostly gone. It was not true that I was just more in touch with my feelings and therefore feeling worse. It was the circumstances that made me worry much more. But now, I feel better. No more almost crying at work or chest pains and heart racing…

Sometimes I feel good and inspired. The festival for example inspired me to work harder and on the stuff that matters to me. I want to turn some of my ideas into reality, maybe find my own voice… express myself and what matters to me.

At work I am also feeling better. Like the people there have accepted me more… and as if they generally seem to like me. I try my best to do a good job. At the moment it is very stressful. My colleague who takes charge of everything usually, is on holidays and now everyone comes to me with their questions. So far, I think I did o.K. Even though I cannot get everything done and of course I make mistakes and am awkward at times.

Of course, I also have bad moments. Today I talked to my professor about my ideas and I probably overwhelmed him with the sum of it… And then he talked about which PC would be best to buy and I didn’t know what to say and just said “uh-huh” (“yes”) and nodded, multiple times. Then he went away to talk to other people and I realized that I probably made him feel uncomfortable. Then I felt crazy and in the break I said to myself “you are crazy, why were you even born? why do you exist?” and such things. I even said it out loud (hopefully I am not becoming one of these crazy people who talk to themselves and curse in public….) And I worried that all my ideas that I presented to my professor were embarrassing and weird. I was in a bad mood and when  returned to class, I was still feeling weird and it probably showed.

But then I told myself, I can do better next time. I can make a better impression next time. And I should work on my project, even if my professor thinks it is weird. I have to do it for myself and no longer hide myself and be ashamed all the time.

So yeah, my feelings and experiences are mixed, but I guess it is normal. I want to believe that I am making slow progress, like you said.

I hope you are doing well! And thanks for the encouraging words.