Dear anita,

when I spoke to the client I was feeling unsure of myself, awkwardly laughing. Maybe I should have said it in a bit more serious tone. He seemed a bit annoyed/angry, when he responded with “I was just asking”. Maybe next time I could say: “I don’t want to engage in flirting at the workplace”. But it was good to clearly express my boundaries and say no.

Your suggestions regarding dating sound reasonable and how I would like to handle things myself in the future. But at the moment I don’t feel like I should be dating. People flirting with me also makes me feel very unsure and insecure. I am very inexperienced with dating/relationships. My therapist sometimes says that some people experience their puberty later in life. I hate to hear that, that I am still on that puberty level, but I guess it’s the sad and annoying truth.

About me getting angry at others: I am not sure if I am afraid of people getting angry. I just feel confused about it all.

I guess when reading about it in a newspaper, I am not involved in the situation and it cannot be my fault. It is easier to see what is happening.

When I am involved myself, I get confused easier. Especially when the other person comes to me and criticizes me or accuses me. Somehow I often believe their accusation or start doubting myself.

K. said to me “You never loved me” and “You only played with me.” And I started asking myself: is he right? Am I that horrible person who only uses others? I was not that open with him, but that was because I was afraid and ashamed and feeling unworthy… But I was not trying to deceive him. And I know that I wanted to love him, wanted to get to know him better… It takes me a long time to see things clearer… Now I think; I am not that horrible person, but I made mistakes. There is a lot that I have to learn.

The topic is very confusing for me. Maybe with a person like the man in the dormitory, I tried too hard to understand him, tried to forgive him and wanted to fix the situation. And he also acted like he was the one wronged, or like nothing had happened. That confused me.I should have walked away from the situation way earlier!

Maybe I did not get angry for long, because this relationship was so unhealthy for me.

The two relationships (or interactions) with men I had were just very confusing for me. Everything happened too fast and I was not able to truly evaluate the situation, or understand the person. I have almost no experience with men. For many years I was too afraid to even talk to them. I felt that they could never like me and walked away from dates and compliments. It seemed impossible for me that someone would want to be in a relationship with me.

In the relationships with men there is also another difference: physical intimacy. It made me more attached to them. I even missed the man from the dormitory for a while… I have not experienced much physical touch. Hugs and caresses are not common in my family. My father shakes my hand when welcoming me. My mother started to give hugs a few years ago, but it felt awkward for me. I miss that tenderness the most and K. gave a little of that…

At some people that were close I got angry. There was that one friend and we were close for a while. But after some time, I became slowly annoyed by her. She made pointed remarks, was very demanding and once told in front of some people that I didn’t know well that I am afraid of men (which I had talked about to her in private). My anger grew slowly and over time. Then I let the relationship fade out. I got angry at myself for not talking to her and explaining my feelings. But now I think, the important thing is, that I ended the friendship. But next time I can do better.

Sorry for the long text. As I am writing things out, it becomes a bit clearer to me, but I still don’t fully understand myself.

On a positive note, I started the illustration about the inner critic and am very happy with it! I wish I could show you, but I am worried to post things on this website, so I lose my anonymity.

Also, I want to use the end of the year to refresh myself. Handle things I have procrastinated on. Write to people I did not write to for long, work on some problems. Also exercise more and eat less sugar and journal more… Friday and Saturday I was doing well, but today not so well. It is still a work in progress!