Dear anita,

I quickly wanted to clear two things up. Maybe I didn’t explain correctly. It’s not true that I never visited him at his place. He also invited me to his room in the other dormitory and I once visited him after he moved. I think I wrote about it? It didn’t go so well. Firstly, I had thought that I was going to visit him one weekend. But he offered me to visit him on a weekday. Of course I didn’t have that much time, so I only came there for one afternoon and left on the next morning.

What I wrote about above, was when we wanted to talk about everything after our breakup. There he wanted to visit me, but then canceled due to some work issue. When I offered him to come to him, he declined that and his excuses seemed a little weird. Especially when he seemed to change his mind: he seemed to be able to visit me in case he could spend the night at my place. My take on it is: he wants to be the one in control of the situation. He also said to me “the woman should sit back and relax in a relationship”.

And about dates, I don’t know if you could call it dates, we went for short walks. Once we went out to eat when he was in my city for one or two hours or so and had to go to the next place after that. It was just not very loving… Everything felt quick, in-between and loveless. I don’t want to experience anything like this again.

Another thing: when we met the last time, he was sure to not use his phone while talking to me. So maybe he was trying to better himself, but my trust was just gone at that point.

But there were too many strange things. I don’t know if I am too mistrustful, but it seemed to me like he wanted money? In any case, I know how the whole situation was making me feel terrible about myself. If in the future I get in a situation where I experience heart palpitations and sleepless nights and have the power to end it, I will end it. Or if the other person is making me feel bad about myself (worse than it is usual for me), I want to end it. No matter if the cause is me, the other person or both or just the situation.

And clearly I don’t want to repeat such an experience. I do want to take my time. And if they don’t want to invest that time, they are not the right person. After the experience with the man in the dormitory, I was only confused. But also I had been confused before. But slowly I am beginning to see things clearer.

I want to work towards being more accepting of myself in the near future. I want to overcome all the shame and guilt. This year the feelings increased with the situation with K and the dormitory. But I was also able to look with more compassion at myself and to recognize where the roots of my problems lie.

Now I want to start fresh. Maybe I want to even do something symbolic, like take a bath on first of January in the ocean. Then I want to start living my life more consciously, not letting bad situations go on, listening to my feelings more, being more present and working towards my goals.

I think that I actually have also a good side in me. But here I focused a lot on my problems. But I am also creative, and have passion. It makes me feel more connected to myself to experience things sensually. To go out into nature, smell the air after the rain, dip my feet into the river and walk barefoot. I want to focus more on these things to feel more alive.

And it is also very important to free myself from the fear of judgement of others. Firstly, I need to notice these thoughts of mine. And when in doubt, I could also ask the other person about what is going on, so I can become calmer. At least I have become more aware of my tendencies and the way my mind works already.

Anita, thank you for bearing with me. Not many people would have done it. But it has helped me to understand things.