Dear Rumia

Sorry, it took sometime for me to reply.

Like I said, I’m still in a dark place right now tying to fight my own people, the society against my ideals,morals,dreams etc. It is so exhausting sometimes and I literally don’t have one single soul to support me. All my friends are married and they recommend the same to me- some went through arranged marriage; some love marriage. It’s just that I haven’t been lucky enough in both cases. And I’m at home currently because I had been called selfish to go out and have a life myself but being insensitive to my parents and family.

And the tension and stress is unspeakable. I literally don’t get out of home because the people I know only asks about my wedding. The new workplace I joined last year had people commenting on my single status since day one and I hated it there and quit my job.

I want to get away from this place asap and go far where people don’t know me and judge me based on my relationship status. I can’t believe that I could let it affect my self esteem and emotions like this. When everyone around you consider you as a failure for not getting married( even though you have a master’s degree in engineering from one of the best university in my country), you become so depressed that you can’t even face people.

My orthodox conservative society sucks big time. While I was doing masters, I liked a guy but he was quite younger than me:7-8 years. Hence I didn’t even pursue it though I could guess he also liked me. But we never spoke to each other and though we have so.many common friends, both of us never took any steps further. All we did was just look at each other from far whenever we were in same surrounding.

I comforted myself by telling that this is doomed from beginning since our family, society would never accept it. Now all I do is check on him once in a while in social media(even though we have more than 30+ common friends, we are not even friends in social media) and see how he is doing. Well….that’s just my story right now. And I have heard and read that if someone is interested, they would let you know. I keep telling myself that he is not interested since he hasn’t shown it in anyway other than just looking at me.

Just wanted to share it with you. Love is the most hardest thing I have ever seen in my 38 years of life. I just can’t get it right till now.

Hope your heartache gets lesser with each day.

Vida